No Need to Ask

Something I’ve always found interesting is how much J has come to know me since we started CDD. We were discussing how happy we are and how much better things have been since we embarked on this journey and J commented that he thought it was because what we have really learned is how to communicate properly and well. (though I think I fail at this often) Through our communication we have gotten to truly know each other… much better than we did in our earlier years. And I’m so glad!!!!

So while I was contemplating asking him to discipline me rather than let it hang over my head, J was thinking that he needed to take care of things. No need to ask. The man is on top of things…

Thursday night the kids were being ornery and J decided to put them to bed early. I didn’t think much of it because they really were tired.  I had other things on my mind at the time til I heard the door click and I turned to see him paddle in hand. uh oh….

I wonder if I’ll ever grow out of it , but I see the paddle and my stomach falls and fear grips me and I can’t help but look for the escape route….This time it had been awhile since I had earned a spanking and the imminent fear was rising fast … so I’m sure I looked frantic . I wish I was more quick on my feet but I’m not so I just tried my best to ignore him while I thought what to do…. He quickly reduced the space in his room with just his presence . He ordered me over the bed…. I was out of thinking time and still had no ideas… so I pulled out the old honesty card and said “I’m scared” . I can look pretty pathetic and with any other man , I think he’d be mush….maybe he’s just used to my antics. Needless to say he wasn’t buying it and I didn’t get one ounce of sympathy. I’m preparing to get into position and as a one last-ditch effort I threw my self on his neck and begged him to just hug me first….

The man is steel!!!!!(LOL) He just gently took my arms removed them from around his neck and turned me around to face the bed , asking me to get into position and not make this worse…. grudgingly I did. Seconds later I was sorry I did. I seriously think I forget how wicked his paddle is. I loathe that thing.  Having been so long I simply could not accept my spanking no matter how much I agreed I needed it. I’m sure I tried to block with both my hands and feet. (I’m sure J must have thought I had lost my mind) I am not normally that bad… he ended up holding me down somewhat so he could finish and it turned into a very bad discipline session and then I was sorry that  I was sorry I had obeyed!!!!! Definitely not one of my finer moments.

but the whole point is , he took care of  my needs, wants and desires all without me ever having to ask… which is wonderful on a couple of fronts. First off , it’s a wonderful testament to how much we have grown through this. I’ll be eternally grateful (maybe not for the spankings .. he he)

and secondly every CDD wife know how awful it is to asked to be spanked… some have not even dared to go there. It’s humbling, embarrassing and always leaves me feeling a bit insecure… thank God those days are past!!!!

I’m sure at some point in the future I may have to ask because well neither J nor I are perfect and we definitely haven’t “arrived” . Not sure we ever will… I kind of look at it like a destination unknown roadtrip… just following the road to see where it takes us.  But for now we’re just enjoying the ride.

Making Time Count

Needless to say I’ve been busy. My abscence says it all. I’d blog all day every day , if I could but I have lots of other responsibilites.
Things are constantly running around here and I have ato run to keep up.

The newest and biggest change is that J has started taking classes so that he can become a certified preacher, minister, clergy man , whatever you choose to call it. I bet you’re wondering why I’m telling you this… LOL well that’s one more thing on our plate. And the classes require extra curricular activities…. so as it stands after working 40 hrs. a week he comes home for about 20 min.
and on :
mondays- about 2-3 hrs of ministry work
tuesdays- 3 hrs. of classes
wednesdays- 2 hrs. of church for the family
thursdays- 1-1/2 -2 1/2 hrs of work for class
fridays he has home with us
saturday- mornings and evenings he has prayer meetings and more ministry work
and sunday we have church in the morning and evenings…

so as you can see the only time I’m going to have with my darling husband is friday nights , saturday and sunday afternoons.
This is going to kill me, but it’s important to him so we’re going for it.
Since I don’t have that much time with him we’ve got to make every minute count. He’s probably not going to like this part too much but I’ve been thinking about things that get in the way of quality time and we’re just going to have to cut out some of the tv time because it just zaps all our time away.
and for me I really should have dinners ready when he gets home so we don’t have to spend time doing that and the children should be bathed and ready for bed.
It’s requiring a bit of a shift in our schedules but it can be done. it’s got to be done.

classes have been going for a few weeks now and Ive been really good but You know when you get in one of those moods where you just need some attention. Anything would do. I need a reconnect and I seriously was bordering on bratting just to get his attention but I find it far better to just talk to him. The other night I mentioned a date night and he was all over that. So I know he’s been feeling it too. I want the time to be the best it can be but I’m afraid I’ve been let go too long that I wont have the right mind set and I’ll end up being punished.
After much thought I think I’m going to ask him to spank me tonight. Kind of a preemptive spanking or something just to clear the air so I we can be ready for real and true intimacy and deep conversation with nothing between us. ……if I don’t chicken out….LOL
I don’t tihnk I will because I feel the need coming on and I just think we need to make the time count and I guess I’m looking for suggestions too of some things we could do to remove obstacles or just things we could do together that would make me feel that constant connect even though we don’t have the time I wish we did.

Layers of Layers

well I did it again!!!! I left the darned blog up…

This is probably crazy but my blog has been just that MY blog… So for the most part J doesn’t read it unless I purposefully share something I’ve written . There have been a few rare occasions when I’ve accidentally forgot to close it all down and he’s found it. It’s not that I have anything to hide, It’s just all very personal. I suppose that if I e-mailed him the posts I’d be ok with him reading it but there is nothing worse than knowing that he’s in here reading what I wrote and having to wonder what he’s thinking and how he’s feeling… I’m not sure why he just doesn’t come read it when I have no idea that he is. I’d feel so much better about it…LOL

What I’ve found out is that he actually finds me quite “cute” and funny… hmm I knew he married me for some reason…LOL

Anyway so yeah… I was nervous. He found my blog post just laying our personal lives out there for the world to see!!!! I begged him not to read it. I covered the screen . I even tried to unplug the monitor and hoist it right out of its resting place!!!!! Of course he always has that magic “or else” card…  you know the one where he says “obey me , OR ELSE” , “clean up , OR ELSE” , “have dinner ready , OR ELSE” and in this case “allow me to read it , OR ELSE”. THAT card changes things. I had no choice but I couldn’t stand there and watch. I was having heart palpitations!!!! I made myself scarce at the other end of the house.

Of course he wanted to talk about it. It was nerve-wracking, embarrassing, humiliating. but I made it through cause here I  posting about it.

The first thing he wanted to know is WHY  I feel I can share things on here that I can’t talk about. and the answer to that is ” I dont’ know”. (he usually hates that answer) . I trust him with my life (obviously I married him) so He’s assured me that he won’t ever lead me into harm and I believe him so whatever direction we’re headed it will only be a place for our good.  As to KayLynn’s question of what journey….. We’re on the journey of a better us.!!!!  a closer more connected, more loving, more productive us!!!! I’m not sure why but for a long time , I’ve had these reservations when it came to sex. Maybe it’s because my mother was so tight-lipped about it. Maybe it was because I was sheltered from it. Maybe it was because I was in a single parent home. Or even my strict religious upbringing!!! But for whatever reason, it’s caused a bit of hardship! Admittedly it’s been mostly my fault.  We seriously could have benefitted from  some sex counseling when we first got married. Poor J has been put through the ringer . Without going into detail as to what kind of problems and reservations I’ve had suffice it to say this is a big area of me that I’ve kept to myself even keeping it from J. In his mind he doesn’t really see this as venturing into ds, (crazy as that may sound to some) but just him trying to reach me in a deeper place.  He’s trying to make me wholly his. (shhh don’t tell him I’m already smitten with him!!! the big brute) All this is just an extension of our cdd lifestyle. I have a good friend who told me once this would happen and I laughed thinking to myself that J would never go there… well here we are.

 

I think the hard part of laying aside myself comes from having hidden and held onto that part of me for so long... it’s like the inside of an onion with all these layers and the more he pulls off to get to the center , the tighter those layers are wrapped. (horrible metaphor I know..LOL) I told him I was going to write that and he told me to say that I’m a tasty onion blossom…ha ha J!!!! (does that make me deep-fried and fat?)  just sayin’ anyway back to what I was saying…… So I guess while sometimes it’s painful( I dont’ mean physically well spankings can hurt) and sometimes  it’s hard, this has been the point of our journey. To get to the center of me and open me up to J so that we can fully enjoy each other and he can love and support the whole of me because we’re both happy with who I’ve become and we’re not fighting each other but both moving in step , and in the same direction just with him leading !!!!!!

So the million dollar question … ” Am I ok with this?”

it took a lot of thought and consideration but , Yes while punishment certainly isn’t fun and I might still find it difficult at times , it’s the right thing for us. J knows me better than I know myself sometimes. I shouldn’t be allowed to use our sex life as a means of control .  And he’ll never fully have my trust if I can’t trust him in the bedroom too!!!  He’s not cruel . J loves me and he only wants was best for us.  I’m so tempted to say “he only wants what’s best for me” That used to be the way I thought…. that he had to think of me… but the truth is it would be perfectly fine for me to leave my insecurities and issues in the closet and we’d  be none the wiser . But it’s not what is best for us… marriage is a conjoint unit and he’s responsible for leading us as a whole unit not just caring for the one side of it. So yeah I love him and I’m in it for the long haul cause that’s what marriage is all about!!!!

 

Thankyou KayLynn for making me really think deeper….

*warning* sexual content

We’ve never really mixed our CDD lifestyle and our sex life.

In some ways it’s absolutely impossible to separate them given then nature of our chosen relationship. For instance many people use, what we use for discipline, as sexual foreplay  . Also, it is sometimes very hard for J not to be aroused seeing me naked and submissive. In addition, we found  that before CDD our sex life was mediocre or less. I’ve been pregnant for a good portion of our marriage and my libido would be down, unlike many other women so that contributed to it , but since we started this journey , can I just say that it’s not like that anymore. Things are Hot Hot Hot!!!! We have intimate relations almost everyday . There are sporadic periods where we get busy but then I still feel we’re just more “normal” in those times, having sex several times a week as opposed to the maybe once a month that had become the norm before.

Having said that , I would like to repeat that in the past we have never really mixed the two. As in J’s never used any form of sex to discipline me or put me in my place . We also usually refrain from intimacies til a while after the discipline is over.  Nothing wrong with those who do it differently in fact I feel the winds of change blowing .

I’m not really sure how I feel about it necessarily. I’m not freaking out. It’s just different from what we’ve always done before.  I think I’m ok with it.

A few punishments ago , very shortly afterwards (like a lot shorter than normal,…..LOL) well I was still recovering in my room on the bed and he came to me (sorry for the explicit content here I usually try to refrain from this but I think it’s pertinent to share) and ordered me up on my hands and knees. Having a freshly paddled bum is not the time to argue so of course I complied. Then he proceeded to take me anally. Now occasionally (at his request) we will indulge in anal and honestly I don’t mind it so much. It’s something that I’m willing to do for him . with lube and gentleness it’s only mildly uncomfortable and can be slightly stimulating. However, he has never dared to just “take” it and so soon after a correction is something certainly new for us. except for his instructions the only thing he ever said during the whole of it was “you will submit to me” . Though we haven’t discussed it (I’m afraid to honestly) it definitely had a feel of discipline to it (a girl knows when she’s being punished and I definitely was!!!!) Now he used lube and he was careful and gentle so no complaints there (I’m not sure if I’m complaining or not…LOL) I think overall I felt like I was in some kind of submission exercise and though he didn’t say it and I didn’t test him , I’m sure that if I had tried to resist there would have been consequences. Quite a bold move for having never mixed the two.

Now we havent’ had a repeat of that however, the next time I was corrected it was late at night right before bed and I fell asleep being consoled in his arms. The next morning before I had a chance to move he used my first and middle name (something usually reserved for when I’m toeing the line) and orders me on my knees to pleasure him orally. WHAT????  I started to argue and he got stern . I asked “what if I don’t want to?”. To which he replied something along the lines of well then you’ll face the music and you’ll still obey…. so I grudgingly obeyed trying to make the most of it. A little background here but I hate giving him oral.  It’s funny because my body physically responds almost every time even if my mind is screaming how much I detest it. I have my list of reasons but we have found that if I will indulge him in the shower that it’s more pleasant for me.. Now was not one of those times and I don’t think he cared. (that I wasn’t pleased)  Then he did a strange thing… he stopped me midway and told me he just wanted to see if I would obey and we moved on to other unmentionable things…  So this was different for me too. Never has he used obey or spanking in conjunction with sex…. I guess I needed to write about it because it just kind of blows my mind.

I do think and feel I need to be submissive to him everywhere in the bedroom and out. Really my only hesitation comes from the newness of it. Maybe a little fear of the unknown. I do trust him 100% especially in the bedroom so I don’t fear that he’ll ever do anything to hurt me. I do wonder how far he’ll go?? I’m sure not beyond my limits but I’ve never tested my limits and I don’t know where they range.

Just last night I had yet another new experience. After a spanking (that went all wrong and I seriously need to write about ) he tells me to do something I was completely nervous and embarrassed about. You’d think it silly if I told you but I’m not going to because I’m too shy and embarrassed but it involved placing my lips somewhere and being in a certain position. It was a situation much like the oral. I tested, he pushed back and won. I complied without too much fight. and after it was over , he takes me in his arms and says “there that wasn’t so bad was it?” umm actually it was horrid…..LOL. The act itself wasn’t bad but it required a great deal of submission and obedience and I’m finding that it’s a lot harder for me easily lay aside myself the further we go along this journey

truly punished

and more spanking news…

We’ve still been in this busy busy busy stage. That’s not to say that I haven’t gotten spankings. I have. You know at the time I think they’re horrible but sometimes , in my mind, I feel like “darn I broke a rule and now I’m going to be spanked” but there’s no “fear” (respect) for the spanking itself and then other times when I’ve done something I get Punished and there’s a big difference between being spanked for something and being punished for it. I seriously avoid being punished!!!!

However much I may try to avoid a punishment sometimes it just doesn’t work out for me. This weekend was one of those times. The holiday was coming up and J would have monday off too. Our saturday was pretty much taken up with church activities and what not and so was sunday so that left monday. I was really looking forward to spending some time with him but then sunday night J announced he was going fishing with the guys. which is normally fine… I really DON’T mind …but I do hate for plans to be sprung upon me but it was ok… so the guys left around 9:30 pm well he didn’t come home til like 3 in the morning ….. Which really it’s his prerogative… I thought oh well he’ll just sleep in the morning but then the man got up at 5:30 am and left to go fishing (again) with his dad and didn’t come home til 10 am… but now he’s been up all night  and I thought he was going to want to go to bed… which honestly I would have been mildly irritated but I could have handled the kids for a bit and taken a nap with him but THEN he decided not to nap he was going to go work in the yard. Now we were supposed to be going to my mom’s that night for dinner and fireworks since it was the 4th. J doesn’t like to go to mom’s so it was going to be stressful as it was but now he’s going to be grouchy and want to hurry home because he had no sleep…so by this time I’m getting pretty wound up….

I even yelled at him not to go out and spend all day working and then come in and lay down around 4 when we were leaving by 5 ….but then I got to thinking if I told him 5 he’d make us late because he didn’t want to go so I amended and told him we needed to leave by 3:30 . He swore he wouldn’t… but of course he did just that!!!!! he waited til 3 o’clock to come in and lay down and didn’t want to get up… words cannot even describe how bad things were getting…. It seriously looked like pre cdd days…. around lunch time I started in , about lunch and feeding the kids so he went to the store… now all I really wanted was some chilli for the hotdogs and buns we had but I was sooo mad I didn’t even want to talk to him so I refused to tell him …just told him to get something so of course he goes and gets lunch meat but no bread, cheese or mayo … seriously???? anyway… I was pretty unreasonable. I was so angry I actually threw the food in the back of the fridge and ate chips….

which was bad in itself because often I’ll not eat for hours and hours and my blood sugar will start to drop and I’ll get tired and cranky and then J has to listen to it and it drives him crazy so he keeps check on how often I”ve ate… for all of our sanity…LOL….. but I was being bratty..

This is classically me, but not me any more…. I don’t usually act out like this, I talked to my cdd girlfriends , I tried everything I knew to try to come down … but as soon as I’d see him again all that anger would well back up and I couldn’t manage to get it back under control

When he was getting ready to go he actually moved to pick up the paddle but I saw his intent and ran from the room (really not smart) J pretty much refuses to chase me down and wrestle me to spank so he let me dig that hole too…. by the time we left we had “words” all the way to mom’s house … which if I’m being honest I was just trying to bait him into a fight with me because I was feeling guilty and if I could get him to stoop to my level then we’re both just as guilty as the other (kudos to J for being above that behavior even if he couldn’t see what I was trying to do ) so of course I was angry by the time we got there.

Things are already strained between him and my family … and I really try not to get in that and facilitate it but I really didn’t care this night. We’ve never had this conversation about my behavior being different when I’m with my family but I do see where it could be true… I try not to be different but I’m comfortable with them and they know me as well as J and well they’re family…… I was oblivious to the couple of warnings he tried to give me but when we got in the car to head out to the fireworks he gave me the “death glare” and said he was sick and tired of me “beating my chest” and that he hoped I knew that I was in for “the beating of a lifetime” ….. ugh…

I don’t know what I thought was going to happen when I acted out and tempted him all day and ran from  him and then put the icing on the cake…. J’s gotten much better at his consistency and follow through …in case I doubted I now know better.

It was late when we left and all the way home I listened to him lecture me on my behavior , using phrases like “every time ” and “you always” . It was a bit of an eye opener because like I said we’d never had this conversation and I really didnt’ know he felt this way… we haven’t talked about it yet but we’ll have too. Since it was so late the punishment had to wait til the next night…

lets just say it wasn’t pleasant. I think I got a round or two of almost every implement we own (which is just about 5-6) I felt the belt the hardest I’ve ever felt and it left a few welts and a couple of bruises from the paddles. I was definitely sitting carefully for a couple of days…. but I do love the fact that once it’s over, It’s over…. I wrote him a letter and we’ve had some talks and he even took me out on thursday … so over all even though I was seriously punished , things are better and our focus is back where it should be.

spanked to tears

I have a problem with this…. I’m not sure I’ll ever be spanked to tears… perhaps its just the phrasing…..

I’m a really strong woman and I can take a lot and I have a pretty high pain tolerance level so I’m wondering if J would have to beat me half to death before I could break down in tears from the pain.  I guess in some ways feeling like a newbie for so long and feeling like I had something to attain to I set up being “spanked to tears” as a goal (as if … now it’s rediculous when I think about it) you know those who had attained were seasoned and those who hadn’t well you still had a way to go . Perhaps that line of thinking has kept me feeling like a newbie after 2-3 years of cdd.  circular reasoning… LOL. And faulty thinking at that.

I cried for the first time during a spanking, but it was weird. It wasn’t from guilt, or the pain, or remorse. I was angry…so angry I cried. I was mad at the things J was saying…  He lectured me pretty hard about my wrong doing and I didn’t agree and didn’t want to comply. I felt trapped and frustrated with no outlet so I cried.

I’m wondering if he lectured me harder and more often or longer if I’d cry more since it seems to be his words that got to the heart of the matter

and I’m wondering if we’ve wrongly labeled something… perhaps it should be more like

lectured to tears….

keeping together

a keeper,

I keep him, he keeps me,

I keep the house, he keeps me in line,

I keep submitting, he keeps me happy,

I keep him satisfied, he keeps listening to me,

I keep growing and he keeps my bottom well spanked

I keep his clothes clean, he keeps the rules reality

I keep respecting him and he keeps a paddle in his hand to make sure I do

I keep him in my heart and thoughts and he keeps faithful

yep I think he’s a keeper

and he still keeps that paddle in his hand just in case I ever think different

geez an update

yeah so like I just posted this and I accidentally left my blog up….. And he found it…. It’s not necessarily that I don’t want him reading it but he never does and it makes me nervous and I blush …. Not sure what he thinks of me blogging….. and of course he had to read it…. I was a mess……. but at least he laughed at my humor ….. but now he knows how I feel , Not that I try to hide it , It’s just ……. I dont’ know… it just plumb makes me nervous.

ps. he says he didn’t leave welts with the rod but he did….. and now I’m getting a lecture because I didn’t want him to read it…. LOL

just need some time

 

Normally I’d say I’m quiet and reserved but I
suppose that’s mostly with strangers and dh doesn’t qualify so I don’t know what
I am with him….. intimate, funny ( a side most other people don’t see) cranky
, stubborn, loving, maybe a tad clingy (cause I love him so much)  and  I
suppose a bit mouthy. I try not to be angry too much but sometimes no matter how
hard I try , it just happens. The other night was one of those nights!!!!!
Usually when I get upset I just need some time to get over it and a little
space.

I know he just had 4 days off but they were
spent busy and both of us was feeling the pressure and wanted some time
together…. It’s hard for us to get time alone without the kids but I would
take time with us all together if that’s all we can get and the thursday night
he was home a little early and we had no plans so I just wanted to be with him
….. I know he must feel suffocated at times with us all following him around
the house like puppy dogs and I really make an effort to let him be when he’s
home but sometimes when he chooses to watch tv and yell at the kids or to do
something other than be with us it feels like we come second place…. which I
know is unreasonable but it’s usually only when he’s been particularly busy…
So we’re all sitting here watching tv and spending time together and the man
just gets up and walks out of the room without a word of explanation and doesn’t
come back. He’s in another part of the house where I can’t see him and I
certainly can’t hear what he’s doing so I start to get my back up…. and in all
fairness when I asked my son what daddy was doing he told me that dh was
sleeping on his bed so then it felt like he couldn’t stand the kids and just
went to get away from them…… so yeah I was mad….. I waited for a bit
fuming all the while but at that point I had been home all day with the kids and
hubby had just frayed my last little bit of patience so I went outside to sit on
the patio to get some air while I text a friend ( another cdd wife…love ya
pink). It was one of these talk me down before I blow a gasket kind of things…
…. she could have done it too.. I forgive and move on fairly easy but I NEED
my time and space  but NOOOOOO

here the man comes demanding to know what I was
doing (funny he gets to do that when I can’t do it to him but that’s a whole
nother post and I’m not mad about it anymore) grrrrrrr!!!! I tried to tell him
nothing (which meant nothing I want to talk about, nothing that’s important ,
and something I’d rather not feel the need to do )  he hates that word!!!!!
well my phone goes off … she’s replying to my text…. I shouldn’t have
looked… it was bad timing on my part but who can hear that little ding and not
pick it up and look….. that pretty much set him off…… “GIVE ME THE PHONE
NOW”  ho ho, now we’re playing a whole different game here, No one said anything
about taking away my phone, I can’t give up my phone it’s second only to my
internet time….  seriously….. so I hid it behind my back and said as much.
“Fine you won’t obey I’m going to have it turned off” ” No , you won’t you can’t
do that” ( like he can’t?….LOL) he retorts ” If you can’t spend 5 min. with me
without the internet then you bet your bones it’s mine give it to me” ummmm nope
still can’t do that  but when did this come about me spending time with him????
he’s the one who got up and left  us there longing for his time and
attention!!!!!

Needless to say I was ordered to our room…. He
had to tack on a NOW!!! before I complied smarting off all the while…..  I’m
sitting on the bed mad as all get out when he comes in with the paula dean
wooden spoon . stupid me starts to get happy at this point thinking I’m going to
get off easy before he goes and collects his belt out of his jeans and gets the
paddle off the dresser….. this is not going to be good. He puts me over his
knee and I got a round of all three implements before he let me up but he wasn’t
finished… he looked me in the eye and says I don’t see any tears  I
don’t think we’re done. I want to see tears…. I completely freaked. I don’t
cry easily. He’s never made me cry while spanking me….sometimes afterwards
I’ll get teary eyed but I’ve never out right cried….. I panicked…. I
couldn’t imagine him spanking me til I cried…. ( I don’t reccomend this to
anyone ) but in my sheer hysteria I blurted out….. “You can’t make me cry!!!!”
what I meant was maybe I’ll never cry please don’t try to spank me til I
do?….. it just didn’t come out that way. It was a very stupid thing to say. it
was like a challenge to him ….. I think all I heard him say for the next few
min. was “oh, I can’t make you cry? we’ll see about that? as he assaulted my
rear with a 2nd round of all three implements but  this is where I really get
put in my place. He finally lets me up and I’m on my knees in front of him. He
hugs me and tells me that he had gone to clean the kitchen from supper and
to put the kids to bed so we could have some alone time and that if I had just
waited patiently we wouldn’t have been there. Man I felt sooo bad… but he
still wasn’t done… He made me lay over the bed and tried out his brand new
implement …………… a dowel rod… which can I just say I hate!!!!!  It
left little welts over my tender tush and  I can still feel it when I sit.  and
then he gave me a hand spanking to wind everything down……  I honest to
goodness think it was one of the worst spankings ever…..

he’s sure getting good at this…. You would
never know that I asked him for this and he was hesitant to spank me…. I’m not
mad anymore…. LOL…. and I know I deserved every ounce of it but man oh man
do I wish I could just control my mouth sometimes .

And all in all, I’m still holding to the fact
that if he had just left me alone and given me my space then I wouldn’t have
gotten that spanking, but I suppose that’s part of submission. Me conforming to
his way, and his way would be to talk it out on his time schedule… I wonder
what would have happened if I had been able to do that ….  Perhaps his way is
better because then we wouldn’t have any wasted time while I got over it .  We
still had wasted time because of the discipline but if I had obeyed maybe we
wouldn’t have…… someday I’ll learn

p.s. I know I posted this on a groups somewhere so if you seen it I’m sorry. I do have a post in the works but I have a hard time keeping up on everything right now because of the children and life….. but I wanted to share with any blog readers who don’t know me elsewhere ….

next time

next time was rollin’ around the curve yesterday……… I did get out of it once again first thing in the morning . I had  a slight stomach bug but by afternoon I was feeling better and I knew there was no way J was letting me get out of it again…. I think he thinks after we had a big fight about it that I’ll try to lie to get out of doing what he wants… and while I wouldn’t lie about it, I’d definitely take full advantage of any excuse that presented itself… … and a stomach but was as good excuse as any. LOL….. but I knew, I knew there was no way I was getting out of the evening….. So I determined in my mind. I AM NOT getting spanked for this again…. and I didn’t … yay me!!!!! while I can’t say I had a really good time or even enjoyed it(cause I didn’t) I didn’t let it show… and I was polite and respectful to J throughout the whole evening…

Aaaaaaand….. I think he may be coming around to seeing things my way some…. He’s really good at making light of a situation and sometimes it’s annoying but other times it can really lighten my mood when I’m trying to be nice. So he made a couple of jokes and teased  me some and it helped…. At one point he did give me a warning look and asked if I was going to let this ONE bad thing make everything bad…. it was a great opportunity to try to express myself again… and I was able to do it more calmly and more to the point and he was able to see that this current situation is just icing of the cake of a bunch of bad situations…. He listened and just nodded his head…but that was enough for me… he listened and that’s what counts and while he’s not changing his mind at least I know he heard me out and he clearly knows how I feel.

Unfortunately my good behavior was not good enough to get me out of our weekly maintenance.   so  I did have to endure that, but honestly I’ve had worse and while I never like spankings I’m glad for the consistency and the reconnection in this busy life and honestly since it’s started it really has helped to keep me out of trouble.