It’s finally His

We have several implements if you will, however J’s favorite is this school paddle that he has. Now to begin with its always been horrible. I would whimper just seeing him reach for it. We also have a couple smaller paddles one for otk , J’s belt (which I used to be terrified of see post here but I’m way over that), a couple of wodden spoons and whatever else he finds to spank with. I cannot say enough , that out of all of our implements his school paddle is the worst!!!!. It’s just pure evil.

 

Now the thing is, for reasons I’m not going to go into , we have never bought a single one of these implements . For a long time it’s bothered me that we didn’t have a “special” implement that was a representation of our CDD lifestyle.  J thinks I’m silly  that it all works just the same (and boy do I know they work just fine ) but that was not the point.   In his attempt to be funny he took a marker and wrote my name on the corner of the paddle but it just irritated me and made it worse.

Several times I’ve shopped online and almost bought him something as a gift but I was honestly not sure what he would say having never asked him what he thought about purchasing something.  I ended up chickening out . So our 7 yr. anniversary is coming up and this year has been the best year of our marriage yet. In all aspects we just seem happier. The kids are growing and I’m content with the way our parenting styles have developed. Ironic we made less money this year than we ever have but we have less debt at the end of the year than we ever have had and we have high goals for this year.  Thanks to CDD I have learned how to love , respect, and appreciate my husband more than ever before and he in turn is head over heels for me and we glow when we’re together. I could not be happier. I really want to celebrate our anniversary as a way to celebrate all of that.  Buying him an implement had really been on my mind as more  symbolic  of my submission, love & dedication  to him and our marriage.

AND then……….LOL

all of this has been going through my head and then he notices one day that he has cracked his favorite implement , the school paddle. ( i honestly did not even think that was possible) . So for a few brief seconds I was thinking “aha, here’s my chance!” . I thought he would be down about it and I could suggest us picking something out together but that’s not exactly what happened. He took the paddle out of the room and when he returned he was proud of himself . You know the look, hands on hips holding the paddle as if it was holstered to his side, chest puffed out and his head thrown back in victory. He announced “there, I’ve fixed it!”. He unsheathed the paddle to begin lovingly running his hands over it as to inspect his handiwork. And to my horror , the man had taken black duct tape and completely wrapped the business end of the paddle with it.  Where do they come up with this stuff?  I was horrified because I have a friend whose husband had done this to their smaller paddle and she said it was worse than it had been in the beginning. Part of me did not really believe , because J’s school paddle is truly sinister. How could it get much worse?

well I’m a believer now… LOL…. it is waaay worse…He had wanted to try it out on me that very day but I talked him out of it as I hadn’t done anything to deserve such a wicked implement.  It didn’t take him long to find something that I needed a “reminder” about  but no lying , I got 4-5 swats and I had huge puffy blotches on my rear for 2 days. J said it’s because I haven’t been in much trouble and I’m not accustomed to getting regular spankings .. (yeah right….remember it’s me he’s talking about) . Anyway I digress, well since he has done this , my hopes of getting a new implement were a bit deflated because I could tell he was completely in love with his paddle. I did go ahead and ask and he did say “no, why do we need to? we have the paddle.”  And I will begrudgingly admit that having the duct tape cover his markings on it and being as it was his handiwork, I do feel like it is more “ours”  and that it hasn’t had nor will have any other use than  just be between us. Now this has primarily made me feel like it is for me.

Here is where it became his…. and I had to leave this part til the end because I would have laughed through the rest of the post and no one could have taken me seriously.   In that moment of pride he made such a comical picture , I had a hard time not laughing . I did not succeed however because as he was caressing his paddle , he says to me ….” You want to try out The Black Widow?”

Yes that is right , he has named his paddle. The Black widow!!!!! at that…..LOL. The good thing is that it has brought some humor to the whole “situation” and while I’m definitely not laughing when correction is being applied to my back side , every time I hear the name I start giggling. I can’t help it. It’s just too funny to me. Part of it I find endearing because if there were any doubts before rather he embraced CDD or not, There definitely is no question where he stands now. It’s finally His… and it’s here forever.

corner time

something we’ll use or not?

If I had to answer that question last month I would have said no!!! never!!!

We’ve been in this for 2 1/2  – 31/2 yrs now and for the most part J keeps my discipline to spanking. There has been the occasional grounding and bedroom thing but it’s occasional at best .  We had discussed ct a couple of times in the past.

The first time J almost laughed. He just couldn’t wrap his head around what good it would do or why a woman would accept that or why a HOH would want to use that and how it could be discipline and wouldn’t I feel like I was getting off easy…… needless to say he just didn’t see the value in it.  At that point we dropped it and never talked about it for a long time

The second time we talked about it I actually suggested it a few months ago because I had been having a really hard time submitting to discipline. One of the things I often thought was if he would just give me a moment to collect myself then I’d be able to gather control of my reactions and submit. However he’s usually of the mind to just suck it up and take it because I earned it . That however was landing me in more trouble because I couldn’t stay still or accept my punishment with grace so I would earn more discipline and it was so much worse than it needed to be. So my suggestion was that we could use corner time to give me that moment I felt I needed but it would come with a price , like the implement would be more severe or the spanking would be harder, or longer or if he hadn’t removed any articles of clothing he could choose to use that to intensify the discipline . And it would his choice if we got to that point or not.

He listened to my idea nodded a couple of times but I didn’t get much of a response but I know him enough to not push that he’s probably just thinking about it. That was several months ago though, and I figured he had chosen not to use it since he hadn’t tried it

And then… the other night happened …. all that to say ” I hate corner time!!!!!”

I don’t remember all the specifics of why we were having words but we were on our way home from church without the children because they were with friends  and we were having words  so when we came in the back door he immediately went for the paddle he keeps on the fridge , bent me over the counter and paddled my tush …. he then ordered me to our room immediately…. Honestly I didn’t know what was going to happen . I thought he would settle down and we’d talk so I sat on the bed and waited. I was softly sniffling and the stupid phone rang … at first I ignored it because there was no way I was talking to anyone in my condition but then it rang again and I looked to see that it was our friends who had the children. Right as I hung up J entered and I could tell he had definitely not settled down . I was sure he was intent on spanking me some more so I quickly told him that our friends would be here to drop the kids off and since it was foggy someone needed to be out waiting for them

Thankfully he didn’t insist I go get them because that would have been just cruel however I was not so thankful for what he did do. Usually he’s not so decisive but he quickly strode across the room and removed my plant stand and plant out of the corner it resided in … while I sat on the bed and watched in horror. It was only a few seconds but it was more than enough time to realize what he was doing. He came over to the bed took me by the arm and put me in the corner all the while I’m crying “I don’t want to do this”. Regardless of what I wanted he ordered me to stay there and threatened me that I had better still be standing there when he returned with my face in the corner. I was already so emotional as I was passionate about whatever it was that we were arguing about  and that was clearly what had gotten me in trouble so I was very close to sobbing. The corner was all that it took to break whatever stubbornness that remained…. I cried and hard and then managed to bring it to sniffles before J returned.

He didnt’ come to me immediately and I still had no idea if I should expect another spanking . He sat on the bed and watched the rest of the game while I just sniffled… It made me very aware of his every movement since I couldn’t see him. He finally came over and scolded me over a few things and  turned me around to embrace me. Thankfully there would be no more spanking.  I’m not even sure how long I was there but it seemed like eternity …. an eternity that I hated every minute of.

Over all it was effective. Very humbling and I have a new respect for those who regularly endure corner time.  He hasn’t used it since but that’s not to say he wont ever again. I actually think it will probably be put into his repertoire.

So  corner time something we’ll use or not?  …….more than likely we will….  (unfortunately for my pride)

No Need to Ask

Something I’ve always found interesting is how much J has come to know me since we started CDD. We were discussing how happy we are and how much better things have been since we embarked on this journey and J commented that he thought it was because what we have really learned is how to communicate properly and well. (though I think I fail at this often) Through our communication we have gotten to truly know each other… much better than we did in our earlier years. And I’m so glad!!!!

So while I was contemplating asking him to discipline me rather than let it hang over my head, J was thinking that he needed to take care of things. No need to ask. The man is on top of things…

Thursday night the kids were being ornery and J decided to put them to bed early. I didn’t think much of it because they really were tired.  I had other things on my mind at the time til I heard the door click and I turned to see him paddle in hand. uh oh….

I wonder if I’ll ever grow out of it , but I see the paddle and my stomach falls and fear grips me and I can’t help but look for the escape route….This time it had been awhile since I had earned a spanking and the imminent fear was rising fast … so I’m sure I looked frantic . I wish I was more quick on my feet but I’m not so I just tried my best to ignore him while I thought what to do…. He quickly reduced the space in his room with just his presence . He ordered me over the bed…. I was out of thinking time and still had no ideas… so I pulled out the old honesty card and said “I’m scared” . I can look pretty pathetic and with any other man , I think he’d be mush….maybe he’s just used to my antics. Needless to say he wasn’t buying it and I didn’t get one ounce of sympathy. I’m preparing to get into position and as a one last-ditch effort I threw my self on his neck and begged him to just hug me first….

The man is steel!!!!!(LOL) He just gently took my arms removed them from around his neck and turned me around to face the bed , asking me to get into position and not make this worse…. grudgingly I did. Seconds later I was sorry I did. I seriously think I forget how wicked his paddle is. I loathe that thing.  Having been so long I simply could not accept my spanking no matter how much I agreed I needed it. I’m sure I tried to block with both my hands and feet. (I’m sure J must have thought I had lost my mind) I am not normally that bad… he ended up holding me down somewhat so he could finish and it turned into a very bad discipline session and then I was sorry that  I was sorry I had obeyed!!!!! Definitely not one of my finer moments.

but the whole point is , he took care of  my needs, wants and desires all without me ever having to ask… which is wonderful on a couple of fronts. First off , it’s a wonderful testament to how much we have grown through this. I’ll be eternally grateful (maybe not for the spankings .. he he)

and secondly every CDD wife know how awful it is to asked to be spanked… some have not even dared to go there. It’s humbling, embarrassing and always leaves me feeling a bit insecure… thank God those days are past!!!!

I’m sure at some point in the future I may have to ask because well neither J nor I are perfect and we definitely haven’t “arrived” . Not sure we ever will… I kind of look at it like a destination unknown roadtrip… just following the road to see where it takes us.  But for now we’re just enjoying the ride.

Making Time Count

Needless to say I’ve been busy. My abscence says it all. I’d blog all day every day , if I could but I have lots of other responsibilites.
Things are constantly running around here and I have ato run to keep up.

The newest and biggest change is that J has started taking classes so that he can become a certified preacher, minister, clergy man , whatever you choose to call it. I bet you’re wondering why I’m telling you this… LOL well that’s one more thing on our plate. And the classes require extra curricular activities…. so as it stands after working 40 hrs. a week he comes home for about 20 min.
and on :
mondays- about 2-3 hrs of ministry work
tuesdays- 3 hrs. of classes
wednesdays- 2 hrs. of church for the family
thursdays- 1-1/2 -2 1/2 hrs of work for class
fridays he has home with us
saturday- mornings and evenings he has prayer meetings and more ministry work
and sunday we have church in the morning and evenings…

so as you can see the only time I’m going to have with my darling husband is friday nights , saturday and sunday afternoons.
This is going to kill me, but it’s important to him so we’re going for it.
Since I don’t have that much time with him we’ve got to make every minute count. He’s probably not going to like this part too much but I’ve been thinking about things that get in the way of quality time and we’re just going to have to cut out some of the tv time because it just zaps all our time away.
and for me I really should have dinners ready when he gets home so we don’t have to spend time doing that and the children should be bathed and ready for bed.
It’s requiring a bit of a shift in our schedules but it can be done. it’s got to be done.

classes have been going for a few weeks now and Ive been really good but You know when you get in one of those moods where you just need some attention. Anything would do. I need a reconnect and I seriously was bordering on bratting just to get his attention but I find it far better to just talk to him. The other night I mentioned a date night and he was all over that. So I know he’s been feeling it too. I want the time to be the best it can be but I’m afraid I’ve been let go too long that I wont have the right mind set and I’ll end up being punished.
After much thought I think I’m going to ask him to spank me tonight. Kind of a preemptive spanking or something just to clear the air so I we can be ready for real and true intimacy and deep conversation with nothing between us. ……if I don’t chicken out….LOL
I don’t tihnk I will because I feel the need coming on and I just think we need to make the time count and I guess I’m looking for suggestions too of some things we could do to remove obstacles or just things we could do together that would make me feel that constant connect even though we don’t have the time I wish we did.

Layers of Layers

well I did it again!!!! I left the darned blog up…

This is probably crazy but my blog has been just that MY blog… So for the most part J doesn’t read it unless I purposefully share something I’ve written . There have been a few rare occasions when I’ve accidentally forgot to close it all down and he’s found it. It’s not that I have anything to hide, It’s just all very personal. I suppose that if I e-mailed him the posts I’d be ok with him reading it but there is nothing worse than knowing that he’s in here reading what I wrote and having to wonder what he’s thinking and how he’s feeling… I’m not sure why he just doesn’t come read it when I have no idea that he is. I’d feel so much better about it…LOL

What I’ve found out is that he actually finds me quite “cute” and funny… hmm I knew he married me for some reason…LOL

Anyway so yeah… I was nervous. He found my blog post just laying our personal lives out there for the world to see!!!! I begged him not to read it. I covered the screen . I even tried to unplug the monitor and hoist it right out of its resting place!!!!! Of course he always has that magic “or else” card…  you know the one where he says “obey me , OR ELSE” , “clean up , OR ELSE” , “have dinner ready , OR ELSE” and in this case “allow me to read it , OR ELSE”. THAT card changes things. I had no choice but I couldn’t stand there and watch. I was having heart palpitations!!!! I made myself scarce at the other end of the house.

Of course he wanted to talk about it. It was nerve-wracking, embarrassing, humiliating. but I made it through cause here I  posting about it.

The first thing he wanted to know is WHY  I feel I can share things on here that I can’t talk about. and the answer to that is ” I dont’ know”. (he usually hates that answer) . I trust him with my life (obviously I married him) so He’s assured me that he won’t ever lead me into harm and I believe him so whatever direction we’re headed it will only be a place for our good.  As to KayLynn’s question of what journey….. We’re on the journey of a better us.!!!!  a closer more connected, more loving, more productive us!!!! I’m not sure why but for a long time , I’ve had these reservations when it came to sex. Maybe it’s because my mother was so tight-lipped about it. Maybe it was because I was sheltered from it. Maybe it was because I was in a single parent home. Or even my strict religious upbringing!!! But for whatever reason, it’s caused a bit of hardship! Admittedly it’s been mostly my fault.  We seriously could have benefitted from  some sex counseling when we first got married. Poor J has been put through the ringer . Without going into detail as to what kind of problems and reservations I’ve had suffice it to say this is a big area of me that I’ve kept to myself even keeping it from J. In his mind he doesn’t really see this as venturing into ds, (crazy as that may sound to some) but just him trying to reach me in a deeper place.  He’s trying to make me wholly his. (shhh don’t tell him I’m already smitten with him!!! the big brute) All this is just an extension of our cdd lifestyle. I have a good friend who told me once this would happen and I laughed thinking to myself that J would never go there… well here we are.

 

I think the hard part of laying aside myself comes from having hidden and held onto that part of me for so long... it’s like the inside of an onion with all these layers and the more he pulls off to get to the center , the tighter those layers are wrapped. (horrible metaphor I know..LOL) I told him I was going to write that and he told me to say that I’m a tasty onion blossom…ha ha J!!!! (does that make me deep-fried and fat?)  just sayin’ anyway back to what I was saying…… So I guess while sometimes it’s painful( I dont’ mean physically well spankings can hurt) and sometimes  it’s hard, this has been the point of our journey. To get to the center of me and open me up to J so that we can fully enjoy each other and he can love and support the whole of me because we’re both happy with who I’ve become and we’re not fighting each other but both moving in step , and in the same direction just with him leading !!!!!!

So the million dollar question … ” Am I ok with this?”

it took a lot of thought and consideration but , Yes while punishment certainly isn’t fun and I might still find it difficult at times , it’s the right thing for us. J knows me better than I know myself sometimes. I shouldn’t be allowed to use our sex life as a means of control .  And he’ll never fully have my trust if I can’t trust him in the bedroom too!!!  He’s not cruel . J loves me and he only wants was best for us.  I’m so tempted to say “he only wants what’s best for me” That used to be the way I thought…. that he had to think of me… but the truth is it would be perfectly fine for me to leave my insecurities and issues in the closet and we’d  be none the wiser . But it’s not what is best for us… marriage is a conjoint unit and he’s responsible for leading us as a whole unit not just caring for the one side of it. So yeah I love him and I’m in it for the long haul cause that’s what marriage is all about!!!!

 

Thankyou KayLynn for making me really think deeper….

*warning* sexual content

We’ve never really mixed our CDD lifestyle and our sex life.

In some ways it’s absolutely impossible to separate them given then nature of our chosen relationship. For instance many people use, what we use for discipline, as sexual foreplay  . Also, it is sometimes very hard for J not to be aroused seeing me naked and submissive. In addition, we found  that before CDD our sex life was mediocre or less. I’ve been pregnant for a good portion of our marriage and my libido would be down, unlike many other women so that contributed to it , but since we started this journey , can I just say that it’s not like that anymore. Things are Hot Hot Hot!!!! We have intimate relations almost everyday . There are sporadic periods where we get busy but then I still feel we’re just more “normal” in those times, having sex several times a week as opposed to the maybe once a month that had become the norm before.

Having said that , I would like to repeat that in the past we have never really mixed the two. As in J’s never used any form of sex to discipline me or put me in my place . We also usually refrain from intimacies til a while after the discipline is over.  Nothing wrong with those who do it differently in fact I feel the winds of change blowing .

I’m not really sure how I feel about it necessarily. I’m not freaking out. It’s just different from what we’ve always done before.  I think I’m ok with it.

A few punishments ago , very shortly afterwards (like a lot shorter than normal,…..LOL) well I was still recovering in my room on the bed and he came to me (sorry for the explicit content here I usually try to refrain from this but I think it’s pertinent to share) and ordered me up on my hands and knees. Having a freshly paddled bum is not the time to argue so of course I complied. Then he proceeded to take me anally. Now occasionally (at his request) we will indulge in anal and honestly I don’t mind it so much. It’s something that I’m willing to do for him . with lube and gentleness it’s only mildly uncomfortable and can be slightly stimulating. However, he has never dared to just “take” it and so soon after a correction is something certainly new for us. except for his instructions the only thing he ever said during the whole of it was “you will submit to me” . Though we haven’t discussed it (I’m afraid to honestly) it definitely had a feel of discipline to it (a girl knows when she’s being punished and I definitely was!!!!) Now he used lube and he was careful and gentle so no complaints there (I’m not sure if I’m complaining or not…LOL) I think overall I felt like I was in some kind of submission exercise and though he didn’t say it and I didn’t test him , I’m sure that if I had tried to resist there would have been consequences. Quite a bold move for having never mixed the two.

Now we havent’ had a repeat of that however, the next time I was corrected it was late at night right before bed and I fell asleep being consoled in his arms. The next morning before I had a chance to move he used my first and middle name (something usually reserved for when I’m toeing the line) and orders me on my knees to pleasure him orally. WHAT????  I started to argue and he got stern . I asked “what if I don’t want to?”. To which he replied something along the lines of well then you’ll face the music and you’ll still obey…. so I grudgingly obeyed trying to make the most of it. A little background here but I hate giving him oral.  It’s funny because my body physically responds almost every time even if my mind is screaming how much I detest it. I have my list of reasons but we have found that if I will indulge him in the shower that it’s more pleasant for me.. Now was not one of those times and I don’t think he cared. (that I wasn’t pleased)  Then he did a strange thing… he stopped me midway and told me he just wanted to see if I would obey and we moved on to other unmentionable things…  So this was different for me too. Never has he used obey or spanking in conjunction with sex…. I guess I needed to write about it because it just kind of blows my mind.

I do think and feel I need to be submissive to him everywhere in the bedroom and out. Really my only hesitation comes from the newness of it. Maybe a little fear of the unknown. I do trust him 100% especially in the bedroom so I don’t fear that he’ll ever do anything to hurt me. I do wonder how far he’ll go?? I’m sure not beyond my limits but I’ve never tested my limits and I don’t know where they range.

Just last night I had yet another new experience. After a spanking (that went all wrong and I seriously need to write about ) he tells me to do something I was completely nervous and embarrassed about. You’d think it silly if I told you but I’m not going to because I’m too shy and embarrassed but it involved placing my lips somewhere and being in a certain position. It was a situation much like the oral. I tested, he pushed back and won. I complied without too much fight. and after it was over , he takes me in his arms and says “there that wasn’t so bad was it?” umm actually it was horrid…..LOL. The act itself wasn’t bad but it required a great deal of submission and obedience and I’m finding that it’s a lot harder for me easily lay aside myself the further we go along this journey

truly punished

and more spanking news…

We’ve still been in this busy busy busy stage. That’s not to say that I haven’t gotten spankings. I have. You know at the time I think they’re horrible but sometimes , in my mind, I feel like “darn I broke a rule and now I’m going to be spanked” but there’s no “fear” (respect) for the spanking itself and then other times when I’ve done something I get Punished and there’s a big difference between being spanked for something and being punished for it. I seriously avoid being punished!!!!

However much I may try to avoid a punishment sometimes it just doesn’t work out for me. This weekend was one of those times. The holiday was coming up and J would have monday off too. Our saturday was pretty much taken up with church activities and what not and so was sunday so that left monday. I was really looking forward to spending some time with him but then sunday night J announced he was going fishing with the guys. which is normally fine… I really DON’T mind …but I do hate for plans to be sprung upon me but it was ok… so the guys left around 9:30 pm well he didn’t come home til like 3 in the morning ….. Which really it’s his prerogative… I thought oh well he’ll just sleep in the morning but then the man got up at 5:30 am and left to go fishing (again) with his dad and didn’t come home til 10 am… but now he’s been up all night  and I thought he was going to want to go to bed… which honestly I would have been mildly irritated but I could have handled the kids for a bit and taken a nap with him but THEN he decided not to nap he was going to go work in the yard. Now we were supposed to be going to my mom’s that night for dinner and fireworks since it was the 4th. J doesn’t like to go to mom’s so it was going to be stressful as it was but now he’s going to be grouchy and want to hurry home because he had no sleep…so by this time I’m getting pretty wound up….

I even yelled at him not to go out and spend all day working and then come in and lay down around 4 when we were leaving by 5 ….but then I got to thinking if I told him 5 he’d make us late because he didn’t want to go so I amended and told him we needed to leave by 3:30 . He swore he wouldn’t… but of course he did just that!!!!! he waited til 3 o’clock to come in and lay down and didn’t want to get up… words cannot even describe how bad things were getting…. It seriously looked like pre cdd days…. around lunch time I started in , about lunch and feeding the kids so he went to the store… now all I really wanted was some chilli for the hotdogs and buns we had but I was sooo mad I didn’t even want to talk to him so I refused to tell him …just told him to get something so of course he goes and gets lunch meat but no bread, cheese or mayo … seriously???? anyway… I was pretty unreasonable. I was so angry I actually threw the food in the back of the fridge and ate chips….

which was bad in itself because often I’ll not eat for hours and hours and my blood sugar will start to drop and I’ll get tired and cranky and then J has to listen to it and it drives him crazy so he keeps check on how often I”ve ate… for all of our sanity…LOL….. but I was being bratty..

This is classically me, but not me any more…. I don’t usually act out like this, I talked to my cdd girlfriends , I tried everything I knew to try to come down … but as soon as I’d see him again all that anger would well back up and I couldn’t manage to get it back under control

When he was getting ready to go he actually moved to pick up the paddle but I saw his intent and ran from the room (really not smart) J pretty much refuses to chase me down and wrestle me to spank so he let me dig that hole too…. by the time we left we had “words” all the way to mom’s house … which if I’m being honest I was just trying to bait him into a fight with me because I was feeling guilty and if I could get him to stoop to my level then we’re both just as guilty as the other (kudos to J for being above that behavior even if he couldn’t see what I was trying to do ) so of course I was angry by the time we got there.

Things are already strained between him and my family … and I really try not to get in that and facilitate it but I really didn’t care this night. We’ve never had this conversation about my behavior being different when I’m with my family but I do see where it could be true… I try not to be different but I’m comfortable with them and they know me as well as J and well they’re family…… I was oblivious to the couple of warnings he tried to give me but when we got in the car to head out to the fireworks he gave me the “death glare” and said he was sick and tired of me “beating my chest” and that he hoped I knew that I was in for “the beating of a lifetime” ….. ugh…

I don’t know what I thought was going to happen when I acted out and tempted him all day and ran from  him and then put the icing on the cake…. J’s gotten much better at his consistency and follow through …in case I doubted I now know better.

It was late when we left and all the way home I listened to him lecture me on my behavior , using phrases like “every time ” and “you always” . It was a bit of an eye opener because like I said we’d never had this conversation and I really didnt’ know he felt this way… we haven’t talked about it yet but we’ll have too. Since it was so late the punishment had to wait til the next night…

lets just say it wasn’t pleasant. I think I got a round or two of almost every implement we own (which is just about 5-6) I felt the belt the hardest I’ve ever felt and it left a few welts and a couple of bruises from the paddles. I was definitely sitting carefully for a couple of days…. but I do love the fact that once it’s over, It’s over…. I wrote him a letter and we’ve had some talks and he even took me out on thursday … so over all even though I was seriously punished , things are better and our focus is back where it should be.

spanked to tears

I have a problem with this…. I’m not sure I’ll ever be spanked to tears… perhaps its just the phrasing…..

I’m a really strong woman and I can take a lot and I have a pretty high pain tolerance level so I’m wondering if J would have to beat me half to death before I could break down in tears from the pain.  I guess in some ways feeling like a newbie for so long and feeling like I had something to attain to I set up being “spanked to tears” as a goal (as if … now it’s rediculous when I think about it) you know those who had attained were seasoned and those who hadn’t well you still had a way to go . Perhaps that line of thinking has kept me feeling like a newbie after 2-3 years of cdd.  circular reasoning… LOL. And faulty thinking at that.

I cried for the first time during a spanking, but it was weird. It wasn’t from guilt, or the pain, or remorse. I was angry…so angry I cried. I was mad at the things J was saying…  He lectured me pretty hard about my wrong doing and I didn’t agree and didn’t want to comply. I felt trapped and frustrated with no outlet so I cried.

I’m wondering if he lectured me harder and more often or longer if I’d cry more since it seems to be his words that got to the heart of the matter

and I’m wondering if we’ve wrongly labeled something… perhaps it should be more like

lectured to tears….

keeping together

a keeper,

I keep him, he keeps me,

I keep the house, he keeps me in line,

I keep submitting, he keeps me happy,

I keep him satisfied, he keeps listening to me,

I keep growing and he keeps my bottom well spanked

I keep his clothes clean, he keeps the rules reality

I keep respecting him and he keeps a paddle in his hand to make sure I do

I keep him in my heart and thoughts and he keeps faithful

yep I think he’s a keeper

and he still keeps that paddle in his hand just in case I ever think different

geez an update

yeah so like I just posted this and I accidentally left my blog up….. And he found it…. It’s not necessarily that I don’t want him reading it but he never does and it makes me nervous and I blush …. Not sure what he thinks of me blogging….. and of course he had to read it…. I was a mess……. but at least he laughed at my humor ….. but now he knows how I feel , Not that I try to hide it , It’s just ……. I dont’ know… it just plumb makes me nervous.

ps. he says he didn’t leave welts with the rod but he did….. and now I’m getting a lecture because I didn’t want him to read it…. LOL