well I did it again!!!! I left the darned blog up…
This is probably crazy but my blog has been just that MY blog… So for the most part J doesn’t read it unless I purposefully share something I’ve written . There have been a few rare occasions when I’ve accidentally forgot to close it all down and he’s found it. It’s not that I have anything to hide, It’s just all very personal. I suppose that if I e-mailed him the posts I’d be ok with him reading it but there is nothing worse than knowing that he’s in here reading what I wrote and having to wonder what he’s thinking and how he’s feeling… I’m not sure why he just doesn’t come read it when I have no idea that he is. I’d feel so much better about it…LOL
What I’ve found out is that he actually finds me quite “cute” and funny… hmm I knew he married me for some reason…LOL
Anyway so yeah… I was nervous. He found my blog post just laying our personal lives out there for the world to see!!!! I begged him not to read it. I covered the screen . I even tried to unplug the monitor and hoist it right out of its resting place!!!!! Of course he always has that magic “or else” card… 
you know the one where he says “obey me , OR ELSE” , “clean up , OR ELSE” , “have dinner ready , OR ELSE” and in this case “allow me to read it , OR ELSE”. THAT card changes things. I had no choice but I couldn’t stand there and watch. I was having heart palpitations!!!! I made myself scarce at the other end of the house.
Of course he wanted to talk about it. It was nerve-wracking, embarrassing, humiliating. but I made it through cause here I posting about it.
The first thing he wanted to know is WHY I feel I can share things on here that I can’t talk about. and the answer to that is ” I dont’ know”. (he usually hates that answer) . I trust him with my life (obviously I married him) so He’s assured me that he won’t ever lead me into harm and I believe him so whatever direction we’re headed it will only be a place for our good. As to KayLynn’s question of what journey….. We’re on the journey of a better us.!!!! a closer more connected, more loving, more productive us!!!! I’m not sure why but for a long time , I’ve had these reservations when it came to sex. Maybe it’s because my mother was so tight-lipped about it. Maybe it was because I was sheltered from it. Maybe it was because I was in a single parent home. Or even my strict religious upbringing!!! But for whatever reason, it’s caused a bit of hardship! Admittedly it’s been mostly my fault. We seriously could have benefitted from some sex counseling when we first got married. Poor J has been put through the ringer . Without going into detail as to what kind of problems and reservations I’ve had suffice it to say this is a big area of me that I’ve kept to myself even keeping it from J. In his mind he doesn’t really see this as venturing into ds, (crazy as that may sound to some) but just him trying to reach me in a deeper place. He’s trying to make me wholly his. (shhh don’t tell him I’m already smitten with him!!! the big brute) All this is just an extension of our cdd lifestyle. I have a good friend who told me once this would happen and I laughed thinking to myself that J would never go there… well here we are.
I think the hard part of laying aside myself comes from having hidden and held onto that part of me for so long..
. it’s like the inside of an onion with all these layers and the more he pulls off to get to the center , the tighter those layers are wrapped. (horrible metaphor I know..LOL) I told him I was going to write that and he told me to say that I’m a tasty onion blossom…ha ha J!!!! (does that make me deep-fried and fat?)
just sayin’ anyway back to what I was saying…… So I guess while sometimes it’s painful( I dont’ mean physically well spankings can hurt) and sometimes it’s hard, this has been the point of our journey. To get to the center of me and open me up to J so that we can fully enjoy each other and he can love and support the whole of me because we’re both happy with who I’ve become and we’re not fighting each other but both moving in step , and in the same direction just with him leading !!!!!!
So the million dollar question … ” Am I ok with this?”
it took a lot of thought and consideration but , Yes while punishment certainly isn’t fun and I might still find it difficult at times , it’s the right thing for us. J knows me better than I know myself sometimes. I shouldn’t be allowed to use our sex life as a means of control . And he’ll never fully have my trust if I can’t trust him in the bedroom too!!! He’s not cruel . J loves me and he only wants was best for us. I’m so tempted to say “he only wants what’s best for me” That used to be the way I thought…. that he had to think of me… but the truth is it would be perfectly fine for me to leave my insecurities and issues in the closet and we’d be none the wiser . But it’s not what is best for us… marriage is a conjoint unit and he’s responsible for leading us as a whole unit not just caring for the one side of it. 
So yeah I love him and I’m in it for the long haul cause that’s what marriage is all about!!!!
Thankyou KayLynn for making me really think deeper….
You’re welcome! These relationships are very complex for both the man and the woman. Everyone works to grow closer over time.
I hope and am sure that you will both continue to talk (I had to write to D for years) about what works, what is confusing, what is non/ and effective, and believe it or not – accepting that you both have your individual sexual and emotional boundaries – and that is perfectly normal. And J’s LL, it can change. I speak from 30 years of a healthy, growth-oriented marriage. Again I’m very glad you posted this. You’ve given me much to consider as well. You’ve heard it in this community over and over again. You must keep ‘talking’ in whatever form works in the moment. I remember when you became pregnant and am so glad everything’s worked out for you! Congratulations. KayLynn
Good post! The “us” always out weighs everything else! Getting down to the core of the onion is a long process with lots of tears. Think of yourself as a tight little rosebud opening up in the sun – not quite as tasty as an onion blossom, but more gentle and less greasy!
. Seriously, it’s hard to open yourself, even to someone you love and trust, so be kind and patient with yourself! Hugs, Meow