Just a Rough Patch

So it seems like my worst fears are coming around and I was fighting it hard but I can’t live like we were before so something needs to change.

These last couple weeks have been mentally, physically, and emotionally exhausting for me.  And somehow I can’t talk to J about it ……  I feel like we’re on different planets.  I know it’s probably hormones and half or more just me  but it’s taxing when you feel alone.

To begin with our schedules have been swamped between seeing the Dr. nearly weekly, my mom’s 50th b day party, the 2 oldest kids’ birthdays coming up , family conference at church, and on and on it goes. I haven’t had much time to myself to enjoy because I’m so tired by the time everything else gets done that I have to sleep to try and catch up. I actually went to bed at 8:45 the other night!!!!

Which presents a problem for J and I because we’re normally very intimate  A LOT… he’s just like that… but I swear i’ve been so tired that I had to force myself to humor him twice in the last two weeks and I couldn’t even get happy about that!!!  which makes me want to cry because I was so horrid before…. we would go weeks without touching each other and I never wanted to go back to that. It goes a long way to keeping you “connected” and It really does keep me in good spirits and without that  I’ve been miserable and he’s miserable!!!!

And our maintenance night usually goes a long way to keeping us connected but he’s been slack in that too so no time, no intimacy, no maintenance = no connection!!!!!

I swear I’ve sprouted horns and my skin is turning green and I’m growing a mole on my nose (for effect) and it’s official I’m turning into a witch!!!!  On Sunday I slipped back into my pre CDD  disposition and when J ordered me to make him lunch It rubbed me wrong and I bucked and refused (primarily because he ordered me to and didn’t ask me to )  and when he threatened me with a deadline and a spanking I waited til he went out to take the trash out and locked him out in the yard. Now normally I would never do something like this… its been trained out of me, but I don’t know what happened my hormones took over or what and normally J wouldn’t’ put up with it either. I knew I couldn’t’ t leave him out there long but I didn’t want to make his salad and I didn’t want a spanking either so I grabbed a tiny little fruit bowl and piled salad mix into it til it was piling over on the counter and called it done. when I let him in , I let him know I had “made” his salad and was going to lay down(i.e. leave me alone)  I fully expected him to come down with the belt swinging but …… nothing… just silence and seething. A similar incident followed that evening …. and more silence

Now we’re talking but we’re just not talking about the important stuff looming between us….

So last night he comes home grouchy as ever and I just wasn’t in the mood… to be submissive, to listen to it again, to even care about my hiney… so I suppose that part was my fault but he started in on the kids about something that they had done that inconvenienced him… which honestly if I hadn’t already gotten all over them for it I wouldn’t have cared but I had and they hadn’t intentionally done wrong and so forth so yep I jumped right in the middle of it to save my chitin’s from having to listen to daddy roar.  needless to say , it wasn’t appreciated.

Now here’s the rub, it was maintenance night and even though he’s been letting things go and skipping when he wants all the sudden cause he’s upset , he wants to do maintenance. I call foul!!!! He says it’s not my choice I have to submit. whatever I dropped it with a few more comments counting on the fact he’ll forget  unfortunately he doesn’t…. he gets the kids to bed , comes down, locks the door, and gets the belt… now I’m mad!!! I tried refusing, tried begging him to wait til he wasn’t mad , tried accusing him… I got him so roweled up that we had one of those funny moments where his face is red, he’s hollering as loud as he can and all the sudden out comes, “I’M NOT MAD!!!!”   we couldn’t’t help but laugh even in the face of the situation but he calmed himself down said it was my fault for arguing , PUT me in position and went to town on my hiney. Now I’m even more mad…I’m dry sobbing  cause I’m so furious I cant cry.  I wont cry…. When he’s through I just want to crawl away and be by myself , but he wont let me. He wants to be intimate. I sobbed I didn’t want to but he gently refused to let me refuse and had his way with things . Whatever I can humor him I have before and I can again . That part doesn’t bother me but here’s what does. ….. I’m sore and I’m angry and nothings been resolved so what was the point of spanking me if it’s just going to serve to remind me how angry I am.

In some respects I’m still dealing with guilt over sunday’s incidents because I’m sure there are some who would say I was bratting but no matter what they say I truly did not mean to act that way and I’m still in shock and horror that I have slipped that far back into my old patterns, if even just for a moment.  And then there was the 2 incidents where I actually slipped and swore in front of J this week… something I thought I would never do (knowing how he feels about it)

and then there’s the anger…. honestly not all of it is from J. This week I found out my estranged father , has married AGAIN. And not only that to a girl who’s not much older than me and my siblings….. and she has 3 boys , young boys…  I know it’s been 28 yrs. and I also know that it happens to tons of other children but just because we’ve become desensitized  to the idea of divorce and children growing up without a father doesn’t actually change the fact of how much it hurts, and how much it affects them for the rest of their lives. I wish it weren’t true. I wish that I could say I really didn’t care what my dad does to this day, but that would be a lie because even as an adult , who’s been repeatedly hurt and abandoned by the ones she loves , I still care about them the most. My father has a habit of dancing in and out of our lives at his will… maybe just to check on us and see how things are going….. maybe as a way to assuage his guilt. Whatever the case I’ve dealt with it for the last 28 yrs but I do not want my children having to deal with it. What I really want is him to decide to be a better grandpa than he was a dad. He’d be a great grandpa…. and he wouldn’t even have to try too hard . I feel my children are being robbed that opportunity. Regardless of what I do want and do not want from my dad, the fact that he can choose to raise someone else’s 3 children when he has 3 children of his own who at one point not only needed him but loved like  he was the only man on earth twists the knife he inserted in my heart those 28 yrs ago.  There were times in my life when I felt like that proverbial knife was very real and that other children could see me walking about with a gaping hole in my heart and a knife protruding from the wound. I  saw my very existence as grotesque because I wasn’t a whole person. . Now maturity has allowed me to see the absurdity of it and love heals many things and these days I can function without ever thinking of the knife , but every once in awhile when the man with Happy toes comes dancing circles around me and wants what I can’t let him have then there’s a disruption and sometimes pain or fear or anger come to the surface and unfortunately my darling J has been the target of some of these untoward emotions.

So it’s all very complicated… I’m sure we’ll work things out. We’re committed to working things out.  It’s just a rough patch and it’s not the first one and probably wont be the last

on a side note : I am very pleased that I keep having this reoccurring responsibility that has been overwhelming me to the point where I’m not functioning well. It’s the way I always dreamed things to be but then it’s just not working for me. I begged J last year to take it off me and he said no but the thought of going another year just made me want to cry  so I talked to him about it again recently and he made a decision to change things for me. I feel such a weight lifted and I’m so glad . He didn’t even tell me of his decision he just started putting things in motion  to get it taken care of and I’m eternally grateful. It does make me feel that no matter what’s going on between us he is still looking out for the greater good of our family.

Also today , he said he wants to take me on a date…. which makes me smile and blush with pleasure….. he knows there’s a problem and he’s “trying” to fix it. So he’s not just a big meanie all the time.

And please, I know there will probably be someone who (rather they say it or not) will label me as “having daddy issues”  please don’t. I hesitated to even share that little bit because I know how things can get. I was raised without a father… I have no idea what it is to have one.   My husband is not my father and acts nothing like the limited part of who I knew my father to be. My predisposition to be in a CDD relationship came from the Biblical teaching of submission and the type of religion my mother chose to raise us in.   ’nuff said

A Question of Warm Ups

Thankyou  curiouslyintoit  for reading my blog. She asked these questions in my comment section and I felt like it warranted an entire post answering.

Hey! I wanted to reply to one of your old posts. You said something about “warm ups”. When d spanks me, he starts with his hand and ends with his belt. ( I despise it to and he knows that so he uses it). One day he didn’t spank with his hands and it made the belt much more painful but a different painful. Yes the belt hurts but without the hand spanking before it, it really really hurts. Like I can’t stay after three swats in place kind of hurt. So even though he begins with a long intense hand spanking before the belt or brush does that make it a warm up and should it still be done if it helps what comes after? Some people would think no because its a punishment spanking you shouldn’t be awarded a help in the process but I see it as something else, I’m just not sure what. I just know without the hand spanking (which can hurt more than the belt sometimes) I wouldn’t be able to endure the normal belt spanking. what do you think?

I hope this makes sense.

I want to preface this by stating that this is all my opinion and I’m sure were you to ask the same questions to someone else , you would probably get a different answer. In no way is this meant to offend anyone so if you differ in opinion feel free to say so but know that I’m not shooting darts at anyone.

I feel this can be a touchy subject at times with some (especially us females) because when we hear someone describe  their spanking process if you will then our natural bend is to start comparing and you get into the “well that’s not how we do it, or we do this ” etc…. And sometimes it can be dangerous because it can breed dissatisfaction in you toward your significant other.

Ok on to the matter at hand. Specifically you asked did I feel that a long handspanking before the belt or an implement qualify as a “warm up” . I would say yes it does.  Because everything you noted . In fact an implement does feel much worse if used on a fresh bottom rather than one that has been hand spanked already.  I have experienced the same struggles staying still with an implement when we start right in (which is how J does it about 85% of the time (or more)).

Now as to rather you should or should not “warm up” in case of a punishment is really up to the spanker.  I personally think there is benefits to both sides.

we don’t use warm ups  so everything I say is not from personal experience but I have heard that with a “warm up” spanking that  marking is less severe so for those who are not so keen on seeing evidences of the spanking on her bottom then it’s a good option. 

Also, I think that using a warm up can provide a nice routine and progression to a punishment .  Giving the spankee time to dread what is coming while otk.  

 This comes from personal experience but having a warm up also allows the spankee to be able to hold still and physically receive more swats per session.  Generally I would not see this as good or necessary  in many cases but again it does have its benefits. Often times (especially when we first started) we would not use warm ups and then I would only be able to accept a certain amount of spankings but the problem was that it was taking my emotions longer to catch up  . So in my head I would still be trying to work out how I felt and why I was there and how much it hurt and how sorry I was or how I was going to express that and before I was done processing , the spanking was over and I was left feeling unfulfilled and the spanking unfinished even though J thought he was finished. Needless to say that was frustrating for both of us. I often thought that a warm up would allow the length of the spanking to stretch out giving me that time I needed.

All that being said we never did end up resulting to a warm up. As we grew in DD ,  then I became accustomed to being spanked and I have gradually been able to handle a lot more than when we first began so now I have all the time I need to process.  (thankyou my darling J…LOL note the hint of sarcasm there)

And in turn I think not having a warm up has some benefits as well

First of all this is just J’s personal philosophy but he rarely uses his hand for 2 reasons. Firstly he says a spanking should hurt your bottom not his hand . Secondly , he has some aversion to the hands that love me  being the ones to correct me and he doesn’t ever want me to wonder if he’s going to spank me or not. He figures I’ll know for sure if he’s holding an implement or not.

As to leaving marks it’s just not been a concern of ours. Yes a spanking usually leaves some marks on my bottom but never has my entire backside been black and blue . I was thinking of this…. just because a spanking doesn’t leave marks doesn’t mean it hurts any less. Often I will get deep muscle tissue bruises where I could wince every time I sit but they wont show on the surface. So I’m just wondering but if someone is receiving a warm up just to be able to receive a longer spanking and not be able to see the evidence of it… is there hurt under the surface that’s not being seen  and would this allow the spanker to spank longer and do more harm then they realize??? I am no expert so don’t take this for law… it’s just the wanderings of my mind

A benefit of not having a warm up is that it’s over more quickly and we can move onto the forgiveness part. And this is good because sometimes women suffer from guilt horribly and if a punishment has been delayed we’ve suffered with that guilt for all the time and to drag the discipline out just allows that guilt to linger and linger til it’s all over. This way it’s get in , get it over with , and all is forgiven

I have also heard that using a warm up causes the pain to last longer which some HOH’s might think is a good thing but for us without the warm up I can still feel a punishment for several days  … I cannot imagine it hanging on and hanging on just as I can’t imagine keeping all that guilt hanging around.  In some cases a HOH may want his wife to feel it for longer to serve as a reminder .

As to not getting help to stay still during a spanking, I just personally don’t believe that should be a consideration. I also think that certain positions are easier to stay in and often people use a position that’s easier thus helping the wife through the spanking. Also at times a husband will hold her arm on her back to keep from blocking and that is a form of help. But I do think that the desire to submit should be there and there should be some effort from the person being spanked to obey during a spanking. We personally struggled with this for a long time because those first few swats are so shocking to my system I’d take 10 (or less sometimes) and up off the bed I’d come so we’ve actually developed a plan to help me stay in position but it is something that I must do by my own choice and on my own or the plan is to correct me for it.

One thought on the hand spanking hurting…. as I’ve already stated , it rarely happens around here but just recently it did and it can  hurt very much. Sometimes just the act of submission going through a scolding and baring your bottom and being put otk  is very humbling and all that is needed is a hand spanking . Some of it may have to do with emotional state as well

Anyway I know I’ve kind of been all over the place  but I hoped this sufficiently answers any questions as to how I feel about the matters.  And like I said  , it’s all a matter of oppinion and I’m very open to hearing other people’s views on it.

I Cannot HIde

There’s something about living a CDD lifestyle that makes you very vulnerable to your partner.  I think that’s part of a woman’s struggle with submission, but when I was thinking about how vulnerable J is to me  , it struck me that it’s always been that way for him. The very act of being married makes him vulnerable… Facing fears of what if he wasn’t a good provider, what if he didn’t know how to fix my problems, What if  He couldn’t make me happy ??? He’s given his all to be married to me.

Before entering into submission , he was busy sacrificing himself while I was busy building walls and finding new ways to short change him. No I didn’t do it on purpose but in my selfish desire not to be vulnerable to him , if I had a problem I wouldn’t share it  leaving that desire to help me unfulfilled. If I did share  I’d scorn his “fixes”  leaving his greatest fears realized that I didn’t think he was enough.  I wasn’t careful with our finances often leaving him to sort out a mess and More often than not complaining about ….well what didn’t I complain about??? (not a pretty picture) I wanted to be financially, emotionally, and Spiritually secure but I wasn’t going to trust J to provide that for me.

As I’ve began to learn what it really means to be submissive , I’ve learned that it requires this vulnerability on my part too!!!!. In order for J to feel complete I have to learn to trust him. So these last few weeks have been an exercise in that.  I’ve been reading the book The surrendered Wife by Laura Doyle . At the beginning of chapter 15 she says

Strive to be vulnerable with your husband by baring your most tender feelings and admitting when you’re hurt rather than covering it with anger. When you feel the fear of being rejected or abandoned welling up, find your courage by reminding yourself that you are safe with your husband.

Keep in mind that you can be intimate with your husband only to the degree that you are willing to show him your soft underbelly, because vulnerability is the part of us that connects with other human beings.

Vulnerability is not the same as weakness– it actually takes much more strength and courage to risk emotionally than it does to stay defended.

For me  this not only mean showing him my most tender feelings (but it has included that) but it also meant admitting and allowing him to see me when I’m wrong.  This week I wrote some very personal things in my journal for him to read. Things that I did not or could not say in the past. Also I shared with him a struggle I have with swearing. It’s something I’ve kept hidden from him because I know what he would think but I’m striving to be vulnerable like she said.  Yesterday rolled around and it was “maintenance monday” (as J has dubbed it)  and I knew he would be reading my journal that night. I had a pit in my stomach all day. I was dreading the spanking but also him reading the journal.

Earlier in the evening his sister had come over and stayed waaay later than I wanted . Part of me was glad because I thought J would surely have  forgotten or gone to bed .  But part of me was very frustrated too because  we were going to be spending quality time together after maintenance too . The desire for that time was greater than the trepidation I had over the spanking. When she finally left I found J pretending to be asleep but he laughed when I “woke him up”  He had long forgot about maintenance and I lay in bed struggling within myself when all the sudden he pops up out of bed and says ……” I know what I forgot!!!!”. As much as I was frustrated with him forgetting my heart sank…. I tried to hide under the covers but  I can’t hide any more….. He bade me out and  in my panick I proclaimed that he couldn’t possibly spank me because we hadn’t read our books yet  but he saw that for what it was, apologized that we were going to have to postpone it til next week , and ordered me over the bed. One more feeble attempt to delay things I asked about my journal….but as soon as I said it , I regretted it. immensely. when he started to ask about it I said to forget it that we didnt’ need to look at it that I was now very ready for my spanking. Even going so far as to put myself in position over the bed. Apparently I’m not so subtle…and a horrible liar. He ordered me to fetch the journal and read through it.

He wasn’t happy . It was difficult seeing his face and waiting for his answer. He made me repeat each of the words that I had said this week  and asked me in what situations I was likely to say them …lectured me a little and then ordered me over the bed. After I was back in position he said I was going to get my regular maintenance session and I would be getting 2 additional swats for every time I had said an inappropriate word … (gulp)  (how nice of me to know he would want a tally) It was not pleasant. He started with “The Black Widow” and then put me over his knee for the remainder and the additional 12  (very hard , very ouchie) spankings….. I’m sore today . I was sure there would be bruises but I haven’t seen any. It just hurts to sit something terrible. I will think twice before I say something I shouldn’t  knowing that he will be hearing about it and he will be holding me accountable for it.

As always I was glad when it was over and we had a lovely rest of the night.

I also wanted to mention How super sweet my hubby is. I think sometimes we forget to tell those wonderfully sweet times focussing on the discipline part of our relationship. Since I have been reading the book , doing maintenance and growing together , we have learned sooo much.  I remember reading a section of the book where she said that as you learn to surrender that your husband would become more generous with you and to expect to receive from him and learn how to receive graciously…. I thought to myself “yeah right” I Love J but he’s not a gift giver and he never has been . But I ‘ve been pleasantly surprised…. Yesterday was a rough day . The internet had problems took me forever on the phone with the cable company, all the while I forgot my shower was “warming up” well by the point I got back to it , it had done cooled down so yes a cold shower and the kids  acting up. I was behind on my schedules and chores and then a knock at the door. He sent me flowers! Just because ! it wiped away a lot of the dread of maintenance having a reminder like that. . And in addition to that , he listens to me more and has even begun to do things around the house without being asked… Sometimes I may want to complain that I have to do all the changing and I’m the one who has to become so vulnerable with him but the rewards are well worth it. I’m only benefitting from it.

So the lessons I learned this week is I cannot hide. I cannot hide my deepest thoughts and feelings from him if I want to be intimate. I cannot hide my faults and failures. I cannot hide my journal and I most certainly can’t hide under the covers when it’s time to reckon with him.

Sore Bottom Showers and other such things

For the record I would like to state that I dread those showers you have to take in the morning after you’ve been spanked the night before. Your bottom is still sore. The heat of the water and the spray from the shower head feel like a hundred little pins pricking and when you get out you realize that it has reignited the fire that the paddle had lit the night before. You thought it had ebbed in the night but you now know you were wrong. …… Ugh THOSE showers…. I hate.

Ok there is my little vent  now onto other things.

You must be thinking ….. “She sounds like she knows what she is talking about!!!” .  Well in fact I do!!!! I’ve had first hand experience many times and most recently just this morning , which is what brought all this to my mind.

J has been letting me slip a little.  As you know, for a while we practiced maintenance. It really helped at the time . I feel like we were still “new” then and we needed it for the times he forgot to spank, or just to get him accustomed to spanking and me receiving a spanking, to help get us over that awkwardness . At the time it served its purpose but after a while J said he didn’t think we needed it anymore and that was ok with me for sure!!!!!  Now we’re both so comfortable in our rolls but our schedules are crazy again  and we need the reconnect. After my spanking last week , J announced we would be starting up maintenance again. While I sort of want to pout and complain , I actually see the wisdom in it. He has been letting me slip and I’m really focussed on growing us right now. We DO need the reconnect time set aside just for us because of outward pressures and with his schooling starting back up  and everything else, It just makes sense.

Soooo monday nights are once again maintenance night. The first time around, it took him awhile to get in the habit but I’ve recently set up a family online calendar. It sends texts to our phones reminding us of our schedules. Yesterday he calls from work and says the calendar is working and he had gotten a text about his evening and then he proceeds to tell me that he needs a text saying that little lady is getting a spanking tonight at such and such time….. I was so worried someone was going to hear him and completely nervous I started giggling but that’s when he says he’s serious. The man is a brute!!!! He actually made me go in and schedule my own demise every monday. No chances he’s going to forget maintenance any time soon.

Last night was our first night on the new maintenance schedules and can I just say the man is serious. I know we were in a different place but it’s still hard not to compare. I think my expectations were about the same but we’ve grown so much. Last time I got a handful of swats  over my clothing…. Usually it was more about the routine  …just enough to make me stop and  rethink my position. Funny thing it worked then.  I think that’s what I was expecting. Needless to say that’s not what happened.  There were three implements involved . Over the bed then over his knee…. not fun.  I’m going to try not to whine too much because I want it to be positive for us. I want to focus on the reconnecting and the other things that are going to come out of it rather than just my sore backside.  And to be perfectly honest, I needed every bit of it. So overall I’m glad with a sore hiney…. LOL

In addition to all that, I’m also thinking I’m going to start doing a small journal to present to him each week as a gift of my submission to him. He’s not a big reader so it will just be little snippets into my thoughts and my week . If he wants to know more he can ask but I know sometimes we women are so hard to “read” that I figure it’s only fair to put it in plain writing for him.

And we’ve also purchased a set of books titled  For Women Only : what you need to know about the inner lives of men by Shaunti Feldhahn and For Men Only: a straight forward guide to the inner lives of women by Shaunti and Jeff Feldhahn. We’re going to be reading these together and discussing what we read in relation to eachother as part of our monday night maintenance routine. Some different kind of changes coming but I’m excited about the prospects of more growth in our marriage (sore bottom and all..LOL). And even better than that is J’s been happy and excited about it too!!!

It’s finally His

We have several implements if you will, however J’s favorite is this school paddle that he has. Now to begin with its always been horrible. I would whimper just seeing him reach for it. We also have a couple smaller paddles one for otk , J’s belt (which I used to be terrified of see post here but I’m way over that), a couple of wodden spoons and whatever else he finds to spank with. I cannot say enough , that out of all of our implements his school paddle is the worst!!!!. It’s just pure evil.

 

Now the thing is, for reasons I’m not going to go into , we have never bought a single one of these implements . For a long time it’s bothered me that we didn’t have a “special” implement that was a representation of our CDD lifestyle.  J thinks I’m silly  that it all works just the same (and boy do I know they work just fine ) but that was not the point.   In his attempt to be funny he took a marker and wrote my name on the corner of the paddle but it just irritated me and made it worse.

Several times I’ve shopped online and almost bought him something as a gift but I was honestly not sure what he would say having never asked him what he thought about purchasing something.  I ended up chickening out . So our 7 yr. anniversary is coming up and this year has been the best year of our marriage yet. In all aspects we just seem happier. The kids are growing and I’m content with the way our parenting styles have developed. Ironic we made less money this year than we ever have but we have less debt at the end of the year than we ever have had and we have high goals for this year.  Thanks to CDD I have learned how to love , respect, and appreciate my husband more than ever before and he in turn is head over heels for me and we glow when we’re together. I could not be happier. I really want to celebrate our anniversary as a way to celebrate all of that.  Buying him an implement had really been on my mind as more  symbolic  of my submission, love & dedication  to him and our marriage.

AND then……….LOL

all of this has been going through my head and then he notices one day that he has cracked his favorite implement , the school paddle. ( i honestly did not even think that was possible) . So for a few brief seconds I was thinking “aha, here’s my chance!” . I thought he would be down about it and I could suggest us picking something out together but that’s not exactly what happened. He took the paddle out of the room and when he returned he was proud of himself . You know the look, hands on hips holding the paddle as if it was holstered to his side, chest puffed out and his head thrown back in victory. He announced “there, I’ve fixed it!”. He unsheathed the paddle to begin lovingly running his hands over it as to inspect his handiwork. And to my horror , the man had taken black duct tape and completely wrapped the business end of the paddle with it.  Where do they come up with this stuff?  I was horrified because I have a friend whose husband had done this to their smaller paddle and she said it was worse than it had been in the beginning. Part of me did not really believe , because J’s school paddle is truly sinister. How could it get much worse?

well I’m a believer now… LOL…. it is waaay worse…He had wanted to try it out on me that very day but I talked him out of it as I hadn’t done anything to deserve such a wicked implement.  It didn’t take him long to find something that I needed a “reminder” about  but no lying , I got 4-5 swats and I had huge puffy blotches on my rear for 2 days. J said it’s because I haven’t been in much trouble and I’m not accustomed to getting regular spankings .. (yeah right….remember it’s me he’s talking about) . Anyway I digress, well since he has done this , my hopes of getting a new implement were a bit deflated because I could tell he was completely in love with his paddle. I did go ahead and ask and he did say “no, why do we need to? we have the paddle.”  And I will begrudgingly admit that having the duct tape cover his markings on it and being as it was his handiwork, I do feel like it is more “ours”  and that it hasn’t had nor will have any other use than  just be between us. Now this has primarily made me feel like it is for me.

Here is where it became his…. and I had to leave this part til the end because I would have laughed through the rest of the post and no one could have taken me seriously.   In that moment of pride he made such a comical picture , I had a hard time not laughing . I did not succeed however because as he was caressing his paddle , he says to me ….” You want to try out The Black Widow?”

Yes that is right , he has named his paddle. The Black widow!!!!! at that…..LOL. The good thing is that it has brought some humor to the whole “situation” and while I’m definitely not laughing when correction is being applied to my back side , every time I hear the name I start giggling. I can’t help it. It’s just too funny to me. Part of it I find endearing because if there were any doubts before rather he embraced CDD or not, There definitely is no question where he stands now. It’s finally His… and it’s here forever.

corner time

something we’ll use or not?

If I had to answer that question last month I would have said no!!! never!!!

We’ve been in this for 2 1/2  – 31/2 yrs now and for the most part J keeps my discipline to spanking. There has been the occasional grounding and bedroom thing but it’s occasional at best .  We had discussed ct a couple of times in the past.

The first time J almost laughed. He just couldn’t wrap his head around what good it would do or why a woman would accept that or why a HOH would want to use that and how it could be discipline and wouldn’t I feel like I was getting off easy…… needless to say he just didn’t see the value in it.  At that point we dropped it and never talked about it for a long time

The second time we talked about it I actually suggested it a few months ago because I had been having a really hard time submitting to discipline. One of the things I often thought was if he would just give me a moment to collect myself then I’d be able to gather control of my reactions and submit. However he’s usually of the mind to just suck it up and take it because I earned it . That however was landing me in more trouble because I couldn’t stay still or accept my punishment with grace so I would earn more discipline and it was so much worse than it needed to be. So my suggestion was that we could use corner time to give me that moment I felt I needed but it would come with a price , like the implement would be more severe or the spanking would be harder, or longer or if he hadn’t removed any articles of clothing he could choose to use that to intensify the discipline . And it would his choice if we got to that point or not.

He listened to my idea nodded a couple of times but I didn’t get much of a response but I know him enough to not push that he’s probably just thinking about it. That was several months ago though, and I figured he had chosen not to use it since he hadn’t tried it

And then… the other night happened …. all that to say ” I hate corner time!!!!!”

I don’t remember all the specifics of why we were having words but we were on our way home from church without the children because they were with friends  and we were having words  so when we came in the back door he immediately went for the paddle he keeps on the fridge , bent me over the counter and paddled my tush …. he then ordered me to our room immediately…. Honestly I didn’t know what was going to happen . I thought he would settle down and we’d talk so I sat on the bed and waited. I was softly sniffling and the stupid phone rang … at first I ignored it because there was no way I was talking to anyone in my condition but then it rang again and I looked to see that it was our friends who had the children. Right as I hung up J entered and I could tell he had definitely not settled down . I was sure he was intent on spanking me some more so I quickly told him that our friends would be here to drop the kids off and since it was foggy someone needed to be out waiting for them

Thankfully he didn’t insist I go get them because that would have been just cruel however I was not so thankful for what he did do. Usually he’s not so decisive but he quickly strode across the room and removed my plant stand and plant out of the corner it resided in … while I sat on the bed and watched in horror. It was only a few seconds but it was more than enough time to realize what he was doing. He came over to the bed took me by the arm and put me in the corner all the while I’m crying “I don’t want to do this”. Regardless of what I wanted he ordered me to stay there and threatened me that I had better still be standing there when he returned with my face in the corner. I was already so emotional as I was passionate about whatever it was that we were arguing about  and that was clearly what had gotten me in trouble so I was very close to sobbing. The corner was all that it took to break whatever stubbornness that remained…. I cried and hard and then managed to bring it to sniffles before J returned.

He didnt’ come to me immediately and I still had no idea if I should expect another spanking . He sat on the bed and watched the rest of the game while I just sniffled… It made me very aware of his every movement since I couldn’t see him. He finally came over and scolded me over a few things and  turned me around to embrace me. Thankfully there would be no more spanking.  I’m not even sure how long I was there but it seemed like eternity …. an eternity that I hated every minute of.

Over all it was effective. Very humbling and I have a new respect for those who regularly endure corner time.  He hasn’t used it since but that’s not to say he wont ever again. I actually think it will probably be put into his repertoire.

So  corner time something we’ll use or not?  …….more than likely we will….  (unfortunately for my pride)

No Need to Ask

Something I’ve always found interesting is how much J has come to know me since we started CDD. We were discussing how happy we are and how much better things have been since we embarked on this journey and J commented that he thought it was because what we have really learned is how to communicate properly and well. (though I think I fail at this often) Through our communication we have gotten to truly know each other… much better than we did in our earlier years. And I’m so glad!!!!

So while I was contemplating asking him to discipline me rather than let it hang over my head, J was thinking that he needed to take care of things. No need to ask. The man is on top of things…

Thursday night the kids were being ornery and J decided to put them to bed early. I didn’t think much of it because they really were tired.  I had other things on my mind at the time til I heard the door click and I turned to see him paddle in hand. uh oh….

I wonder if I’ll ever grow out of it , but I see the paddle and my stomach falls and fear grips me and I can’t help but look for the escape route….This time it had been awhile since I had earned a spanking and the imminent fear was rising fast … so I’m sure I looked frantic . I wish I was more quick on my feet but I’m not so I just tried my best to ignore him while I thought what to do…. He quickly reduced the space in his room with just his presence . He ordered me over the bed…. I was out of thinking time and still had no ideas… so I pulled out the old honesty card and said “I’m scared” . I can look pretty pathetic and with any other man , I think he’d be mush….maybe he’s just used to my antics. Needless to say he wasn’t buying it and I didn’t get one ounce of sympathy. I’m preparing to get into position and as a one last-ditch effort I threw my self on his neck and begged him to just hug me first….

The man is steel!!!!!(LOL) He just gently took my arms removed them from around his neck and turned me around to face the bed , asking me to get into position and not make this worse…. grudgingly I did. Seconds later I was sorry I did. I seriously think I forget how wicked his paddle is. I loathe that thing.  Having been so long I simply could not accept my spanking no matter how much I agreed I needed it. I’m sure I tried to block with both my hands and feet. (I’m sure J must have thought I had lost my mind) I am not normally that bad… he ended up holding me down somewhat so he could finish and it turned into a very bad discipline session and then I was sorry that  I was sorry I had obeyed!!!!! Definitely not one of my finer moments.

but the whole point is , he took care of  my needs, wants and desires all without me ever having to ask… which is wonderful on a couple of fronts. First off , it’s a wonderful testament to how much we have grown through this. I’ll be eternally grateful (maybe not for the spankings .. he he)

and secondly every CDD wife know how awful it is to asked to be spanked… some have not even dared to go there. It’s humbling, embarrassing and always leaves me feeling a bit insecure… thank God those days are past!!!!

I’m sure at some point in the future I may have to ask because well neither J nor I are perfect and we definitely haven’t “arrived” . Not sure we ever will… I kind of look at it like a destination unknown roadtrip… just following the road to see where it takes us.  But for now we’re just enjoying the ride.