Just a Rough Patch

So it seems like my worst fears are coming around and I was fighting it hard but I can’t live like we were before so something needs to change.

These last couple weeks have been mentally, physically, and emotionally exhausting for me.  And somehow I can’t talk to J about it ……  I feel like we’re on different planets.  I know it’s probably hormones and half or more just me  but it’s taxing when you feel alone.

To begin with our schedules have been swamped between seeing the Dr. nearly weekly, my mom’s 50th b day party, the 2 oldest kids’ birthdays coming up , family conference at church, and on and on it goes. I haven’t had much time to myself to enjoy because I’m so tired by the time everything else gets done that I have to sleep to try and catch up. I actually went to bed at 8:45 the other night!!!!

Which presents a problem for J and I because we’re normally very intimate  A LOT… he’s just like that… but I swear i’ve been so tired that I had to force myself to humor him twice in the last two weeks and I couldn’t even get happy about that!!!  which makes me want to cry because I was so horrid before…. we would go weeks without touching each other and I never wanted to go back to that. It goes a long way to keeping you “connected” and It really does keep me in good spirits and without that  I’ve been miserable and he’s miserable!!!!

And our maintenance night usually goes a long way to keeping us connected but he’s been slack in that too so no time, no intimacy, no maintenance = no connection!!!!!

I swear I’ve sprouted horns and my skin is turning green and I’m growing a mole on my nose (for effect) and it’s official I’m turning into a witch!!!!  On Sunday I slipped back into my pre CDD  disposition and when J ordered me to make him lunch It rubbed me wrong and I bucked and refused (primarily because he ordered me to and didn’t ask me to )  and when he threatened me with a deadline and a spanking I waited til he went out to take the trash out and locked him out in the yard. Now normally I would never do something like this… its been trained out of me, but I don’t know what happened my hormones took over or what and normally J wouldn’t’ put up with it either. I knew I couldn’t’ t leave him out there long but I didn’t want to make his salad and I didn’t want a spanking either so I grabbed a tiny little fruit bowl and piled salad mix into it til it was piling over on the counter and called it done. when I let him in , I let him know I had “made” his salad and was going to lay down(i.e. leave me alone)  I fully expected him to come down with the belt swinging but …… nothing… just silence and seething. A similar incident followed that evening …. and more silence

Now we’re talking but we’re just not talking about the important stuff looming between us….

So last night he comes home grouchy as ever and I just wasn’t in the mood… to be submissive, to listen to it again, to even care about my hiney… so I suppose that part was my fault but he started in on the kids about something that they had done that inconvenienced him… which honestly if I hadn’t already gotten all over them for it I wouldn’t have cared but I had and they hadn’t intentionally done wrong and so forth so yep I jumped right in the middle of it to save my chitin’s from having to listen to daddy roar.  needless to say , it wasn’t appreciated.

Now here’s the rub, it was maintenance night and even though he’s been letting things go and skipping when he wants all the sudden cause he’s upset , he wants to do maintenance. I call foul!!!! He says it’s not my choice I have to submit. whatever I dropped it with a few more comments counting on the fact he’ll forget  unfortunately he doesn’t…. he gets the kids to bed , comes down, locks the door, and gets the belt… now I’m mad!!! I tried refusing, tried begging him to wait til he wasn’t mad , tried accusing him… I got him so roweled up that we had one of those funny moments where his face is red, he’s hollering as loud as he can and all the sudden out comes, “I’M NOT MAD!!!!”   we couldn’t’t help but laugh even in the face of the situation but he calmed himself down said it was my fault for arguing , PUT me in position and went to town on my hiney. Now I’m even more mad…I’m dry sobbing  cause I’m so furious I cant cry.  I wont cry…. When he’s through I just want to crawl away and be by myself , but he wont let me. He wants to be intimate. I sobbed I didn’t want to but he gently refused to let me refuse and had his way with things . Whatever I can humor him I have before and I can again . That part doesn’t bother me but here’s what does. ….. I’m sore and I’m angry and nothings been resolved so what was the point of spanking me if it’s just going to serve to remind me how angry I am.

In some respects I’m still dealing with guilt over sunday’s incidents because I’m sure there are some who would say I was bratting but no matter what they say I truly did not mean to act that way and I’m still in shock and horror that I have slipped that far back into my old patterns, if even just for a moment.  And then there was the 2 incidents where I actually slipped and swore in front of J this week… something I thought I would never do (knowing how he feels about it)

and then there’s the anger…. honestly not all of it is from J. This week I found out my estranged father , has married AGAIN. And not only that to a girl who’s not much older than me and my siblings….. and she has 3 boys , young boys…  I know it’s been 28 yrs. and I also know that it happens to tons of other children but just because we’ve become desensitized  to the idea of divorce and children growing up without a father doesn’t actually change the fact of how much it hurts, and how much it affects them for the rest of their lives. I wish it weren’t true. I wish that I could say I really didn’t care what my dad does to this day, but that would be a lie because even as an adult , who’s been repeatedly hurt and abandoned by the ones she loves , I still care about them the most. My father has a habit of dancing in and out of our lives at his will… maybe just to check on us and see how things are going….. maybe as a way to assuage his guilt. Whatever the case I’ve dealt with it for the last 28 yrs but I do not want my children having to deal with it. What I really want is him to decide to be a better grandpa than he was a dad. He’d be a great grandpa…. and he wouldn’t even have to try too hard . I feel my children are being robbed that opportunity. Regardless of what I do want and do not want from my dad, the fact that he can choose to raise someone else’s 3 children when he has 3 children of his own who at one point not only needed him but loved like  he was the only man on earth twists the knife he inserted in my heart those 28 yrs ago.  There were times in my life when I felt like that proverbial knife was very real and that other children could see me walking about with a gaping hole in my heart and a knife protruding from the wound. I  saw my very existence as grotesque because I wasn’t a whole person. . Now maturity has allowed me to see the absurdity of it and love heals many things and these days I can function without ever thinking of the knife , but every once in awhile when the man with Happy toes comes dancing circles around me and wants what I can’t let him have then there’s a disruption and sometimes pain or fear or anger come to the surface and unfortunately my darling J has been the target of some of these untoward emotions.

So it’s all very complicated… I’m sure we’ll work things out. We’re committed to working things out.  It’s just a rough patch and it’s not the first one and probably wont be the last

on a side note : I am very pleased that I keep having this reoccurring responsibility that has been overwhelming me to the point where I’m not functioning well. It’s the way I always dreamed things to be but then it’s just not working for me. I begged J last year to take it off me and he said no but the thought of going another year just made me want to cry  so I talked to him about it again recently and he made a decision to change things for me. I feel such a weight lifted and I’m so glad . He didn’t even tell me of his decision he just started putting things in motion  to get it taken care of and I’m eternally grateful. It does make me feel that no matter what’s going on between us he is still looking out for the greater good of our family.

Also today , he said he wants to take me on a date…. which makes me smile and blush with pleasure….. he knows there’s a problem and he’s “trying” to fix it. So he’s not just a big meanie all the time.

And please, I know there will probably be someone who (rather they say it or not) will label me as “having daddy issues”  please don’t. I hesitated to even share that little bit because I know how things can get. I was raised without a father… I have no idea what it is to have one.   My husband is not my father and acts nothing like the limited part of who I knew my father to be. My predisposition to be in a CDD relationship came from the Biblical teaching of submission and the type of religion my mother chose to raise us in.   ’nuff said

A Question of Warm Ups

Thankyou  curiouslyintoit  for reading my blog. She asked these questions in my comment section and I felt like it warranted an entire post answering.

Hey! I wanted to reply to one of your old posts. You said something about “warm ups”. When d spanks me, he starts with his hand and ends with his belt. ( I despise it to and he knows that so he uses it). One day he didn’t spank with his hands and it made the belt much more painful but a different painful. Yes the belt hurts but without the hand spanking before it, it really really hurts. Like I can’t stay after three swats in place kind of hurt. So even though he begins with a long intense hand spanking before the belt or brush does that make it a warm up and should it still be done if it helps what comes after? Some people would think no because its a punishment spanking you shouldn’t be awarded a help in the process but I see it as something else, I’m just not sure what. I just know without the hand spanking (which can hurt more than the belt sometimes) I wouldn’t be able to endure the normal belt spanking. what do you think?

I hope this makes sense.

I want to preface this by stating that this is all my opinion and I’m sure were you to ask the same questions to someone else , you would probably get a different answer. In no way is this meant to offend anyone so if you differ in opinion feel free to say so but know that I’m not shooting darts at anyone.

I feel this can be a touchy subject at times with some (especially us females) because when we hear someone describe  their spanking process if you will then our natural bend is to start comparing and you get into the “well that’s not how we do it, or we do this ” etc…. And sometimes it can be dangerous because it can breed dissatisfaction in you toward your significant other.

Ok on to the matter at hand. Specifically you asked did I feel that a long handspanking before the belt or an implement qualify as a “warm up” . I would say yes it does.  Because everything you noted . In fact an implement does feel much worse if used on a fresh bottom rather than one that has been hand spanked already.  I have experienced the same struggles staying still with an implement when we start right in (which is how J does it about 85% of the time (or more)).

Now as to rather you should or should not “warm up” in case of a punishment is really up to the spanker.  I personally think there is benefits to both sides.

we don’t use warm ups  so everything I say is not from personal experience but I have heard that with a “warm up” spanking that  marking is less severe so for those who are not so keen on seeing evidences of the spanking on her bottom then it’s a good option. 

Also, I think that using a warm up can provide a nice routine and progression to a punishment .  Giving the spankee time to dread what is coming while otk.  

 This comes from personal experience but having a warm up also allows the spankee to be able to hold still and physically receive more swats per session.  Generally I would not see this as good or necessary  in many cases but again it does have its benefits. Often times (especially when we first started) we would not use warm ups and then I would only be able to accept a certain amount of spankings but the problem was that it was taking my emotions longer to catch up  . So in my head I would still be trying to work out how I felt and why I was there and how much it hurt and how sorry I was or how I was going to express that and before I was done processing , the spanking was over and I was left feeling unfulfilled and the spanking unfinished even though J thought he was finished. Needless to say that was frustrating for both of us. I often thought that a warm up would allow the length of the spanking to stretch out giving me that time I needed.

All that being said we never did end up resulting to a warm up. As we grew in DD ,  then I became accustomed to being spanked and I have gradually been able to handle a lot more than when we first began so now I have all the time I need to process.  (thankyou my darling J…LOL note the hint of sarcasm there)

And in turn I think not having a warm up has some benefits as well

First of all this is just J’s personal philosophy but he rarely uses his hand for 2 reasons. Firstly he says a spanking should hurt your bottom not his hand . Secondly , he has some aversion to the hands that love me  being the ones to correct me and he doesn’t ever want me to wonder if he’s going to spank me or not. He figures I’ll know for sure if he’s holding an implement or not.

As to leaving marks it’s just not been a concern of ours. Yes a spanking usually leaves some marks on my bottom but never has my entire backside been black and blue . I was thinking of this…. just because a spanking doesn’t leave marks doesn’t mean it hurts any less. Often I will get deep muscle tissue bruises where I could wince every time I sit but they wont show on the surface. So I’m just wondering but if someone is receiving a warm up just to be able to receive a longer spanking and not be able to see the evidence of it… is there hurt under the surface that’s not being seen  and would this allow the spanker to spank longer and do more harm then they realize??? I am no expert so don’t take this for law… it’s just the wanderings of my mind

A benefit of not having a warm up is that it’s over more quickly and we can move onto the forgiveness part. And this is good because sometimes women suffer from guilt horribly and if a punishment has been delayed we’ve suffered with that guilt for all the time and to drag the discipline out just allows that guilt to linger and linger til it’s all over. This way it’s get in , get it over with , and all is forgiven

I have also heard that using a warm up causes the pain to last longer which some HOH’s might think is a good thing but for us without the warm up I can still feel a punishment for several days  … I cannot imagine it hanging on and hanging on just as I can’t imagine keeping all that guilt hanging around.  In some cases a HOH may want his wife to feel it for longer to serve as a reminder .

As to not getting help to stay still during a spanking, I just personally don’t believe that should be a consideration. I also think that certain positions are easier to stay in and often people use a position that’s easier thus helping the wife through the spanking. Also at times a husband will hold her arm on her back to keep from blocking and that is a form of help. But I do think that the desire to submit should be there and there should be some effort from the person being spanked to obey during a spanking. We personally struggled with this for a long time because those first few swats are so shocking to my system I’d take 10 (or less sometimes) and up off the bed I’d come so we’ve actually developed a plan to help me stay in position but it is something that I must do by my own choice and on my own or the plan is to correct me for it.

One thought on the hand spanking hurting…. as I’ve already stated , it rarely happens around here but just recently it did and it can  hurt very much. Sometimes just the act of submission going through a scolding and baring your bottom and being put otk  is very humbling and all that is needed is a hand spanking . Some of it may have to do with emotional state as well

Anyway I know I’ve kind of been all over the place  but I hoped this sufficiently answers any questions as to how I feel about the matters.  And like I said  , it’s all a matter of oppinion and I’m very open to hearing other people’s views on it.

Sore Bottom Showers and other such things

For the record I would like to state that I dread those showers you have to take in the morning after you’ve been spanked the night before. Your bottom is still sore. The heat of the water and the spray from the shower head feel like a hundred little pins pricking and when you get out you realize that it has reignited the fire that the paddle had lit the night before. You thought it had ebbed in the night but you now know you were wrong. …… Ugh THOSE showers…. I hate.

Ok there is my little vent  now onto other things.

You must be thinking ….. “She sounds like she knows what she is talking about!!!” .  Well in fact I do!!!! I’ve had first hand experience many times and most recently just this morning , which is what brought all this to my mind.

J has been letting me slip a little.  As you know, for a while we practiced maintenance. It really helped at the time . I feel like we were still “new” then and we needed it for the times he forgot to spank, or just to get him accustomed to spanking and me receiving a spanking, to help get us over that awkwardness . At the time it served its purpose but after a while J said he didn’t think we needed it anymore and that was ok with me for sure!!!!!  Now we’re both so comfortable in our rolls but our schedules are crazy again  and we need the reconnect. After my spanking last week , J announced we would be starting up maintenance again. While I sort of want to pout and complain , I actually see the wisdom in it. He has been letting me slip and I’m really focussed on growing us right now. We DO need the reconnect time set aside just for us because of outward pressures and with his schooling starting back up  and everything else, It just makes sense.

Soooo monday nights are once again maintenance night. The first time around, it took him awhile to get in the habit but I’ve recently set up a family online calendar. It sends texts to our phones reminding us of our schedules. Yesterday he calls from work and says the calendar is working and he had gotten a text about his evening and then he proceeds to tell me that he needs a text saying that little lady is getting a spanking tonight at such and such time….. I was so worried someone was going to hear him and completely nervous I started giggling but that’s when he says he’s serious. The man is a brute!!!! He actually made me go in and schedule my own demise every monday. No chances he’s going to forget maintenance any time soon.

Last night was our first night on the new maintenance schedules and can I just say the man is serious. I know we were in a different place but it’s still hard not to compare. I think my expectations were about the same but we’ve grown so much. Last time I got a handful of swats  over my clothing…. Usually it was more about the routine  …just enough to make me stop and  rethink my position. Funny thing it worked then.  I think that’s what I was expecting. Needless to say that’s not what happened.  There were three implements involved . Over the bed then over his knee…. not fun.  I’m going to try not to whine too much because I want it to be positive for us. I want to focus on the reconnecting and the other things that are going to come out of it rather than just my sore backside.  And to be perfectly honest, I needed every bit of it. So overall I’m glad with a sore hiney…. LOL

In addition to all that, I’m also thinking I’m going to start doing a small journal to present to him each week as a gift of my submission to him. He’s not a big reader so it will just be little snippets into my thoughts and my week . If he wants to know more he can ask but I know sometimes we women are so hard to “read” that I figure it’s only fair to put it in plain writing for him.

And we’ve also purchased a set of books titled  For Women Only : what you need to know about the inner lives of men by Shaunti Feldhahn and For Men Only: a straight forward guide to the inner lives of women by Shaunti and Jeff Feldhahn. We’re going to be reading these together and discussing what we read in relation to eachother as part of our monday night maintenance routine. Some different kind of changes coming but I’m excited about the prospects of more growth in our marriage (sore bottom and all..LOL). And even better than that is J’s been happy and excited about it too!!!

It’s finally His

We have several implements if you will, however J’s favorite is this school paddle that he has. Now to begin with its always been horrible. I would whimper just seeing him reach for it. We also have a couple smaller paddles one for otk , J’s belt (which I used to be terrified of see post here but I’m way over that), a couple of wodden spoons and whatever else he finds to spank with. I cannot say enough , that out of all of our implements his school paddle is the worst!!!!. It’s just pure evil.

 

Now the thing is, for reasons I’m not going to go into , we have never bought a single one of these implements . For a long time it’s bothered me that we didn’t have a “special” implement that was a representation of our CDD lifestyle.  J thinks I’m silly  that it all works just the same (and boy do I know they work just fine ) but that was not the point.   In his attempt to be funny he took a marker and wrote my name on the corner of the paddle but it just irritated me and made it worse.

Several times I’ve shopped online and almost bought him something as a gift but I was honestly not sure what he would say having never asked him what he thought about purchasing something.  I ended up chickening out . So our 7 yr. anniversary is coming up and this year has been the best year of our marriage yet. In all aspects we just seem happier. The kids are growing and I’m content with the way our parenting styles have developed. Ironic we made less money this year than we ever have but we have less debt at the end of the year than we ever have had and we have high goals for this year.  Thanks to CDD I have learned how to love , respect, and appreciate my husband more than ever before and he in turn is head over heels for me and we glow when we’re together. I could not be happier. I really want to celebrate our anniversary as a way to celebrate all of that.  Buying him an implement had really been on my mind as more  symbolic  of my submission, love & dedication  to him and our marriage.

AND then……….LOL

all of this has been going through my head and then he notices one day that he has cracked his favorite implement , the school paddle. ( i honestly did not even think that was possible) . So for a few brief seconds I was thinking “aha, here’s my chance!” . I thought he would be down about it and I could suggest us picking something out together but that’s not exactly what happened. He took the paddle out of the room and when he returned he was proud of himself . You know the look, hands on hips holding the paddle as if it was holstered to his side, chest puffed out and his head thrown back in victory. He announced “there, I’ve fixed it!”. He unsheathed the paddle to begin lovingly running his hands over it as to inspect his handiwork. And to my horror , the man had taken black duct tape and completely wrapped the business end of the paddle with it.  Where do they come up with this stuff?  I was horrified because I have a friend whose husband had done this to their smaller paddle and she said it was worse than it had been in the beginning. Part of me did not really believe , because J’s school paddle is truly sinister. How could it get much worse?

well I’m a believer now… LOL…. it is waaay worse…He had wanted to try it out on me that very day but I talked him out of it as I hadn’t done anything to deserve such a wicked implement.  It didn’t take him long to find something that I needed a “reminder” about  but no lying , I got 4-5 swats and I had huge puffy blotches on my rear for 2 days. J said it’s because I haven’t been in much trouble and I’m not accustomed to getting regular spankings .. (yeah right….remember it’s me he’s talking about) . Anyway I digress, well since he has done this , my hopes of getting a new implement were a bit deflated because I could tell he was completely in love with his paddle. I did go ahead and ask and he did say “no, why do we need to? we have the paddle.”  And I will begrudgingly admit that having the duct tape cover his markings on it and being as it was his handiwork, I do feel like it is more “ours”  and that it hasn’t had nor will have any other use than  just be between us. Now this has primarily made me feel like it is for me.

Here is where it became his…. and I had to leave this part til the end because I would have laughed through the rest of the post and no one could have taken me seriously.   In that moment of pride he made such a comical picture , I had a hard time not laughing . I did not succeed however because as he was caressing his paddle , he says to me ….” You want to try out The Black Widow?”

Yes that is right , he has named his paddle. The Black widow!!!!! at that…..LOL. The good thing is that it has brought some humor to the whole “situation” and while I’m definitely not laughing when correction is being applied to my back side , every time I hear the name I start giggling. I can’t help it. It’s just too funny to me. Part of it I find endearing because if there were any doubts before rather he embraced CDD or not, There definitely is no question where he stands now. It’s finally His… and it’s here forever.

truly punished

and more spanking news…

We’ve still been in this busy busy busy stage. That’s not to say that I haven’t gotten spankings. I have. You know at the time I think they’re horrible but sometimes , in my mind, I feel like “darn I broke a rule and now I’m going to be spanked” but there’s no “fear” (respect) for the spanking itself and then other times when I’ve done something I get Punished and there’s a big difference between being spanked for something and being punished for it. I seriously avoid being punished!!!!

However much I may try to avoid a punishment sometimes it just doesn’t work out for me. This weekend was one of those times. The holiday was coming up and J would have monday off too. Our saturday was pretty much taken up with church activities and what not and so was sunday so that left monday. I was really looking forward to spending some time with him but then sunday night J announced he was going fishing with the guys. which is normally fine… I really DON’T mind …but I do hate for plans to be sprung upon me but it was ok… so the guys left around 9:30 pm well he didn’t come home til like 3 in the morning ….. Which really it’s his prerogative… I thought oh well he’ll just sleep in the morning but then the man got up at 5:30 am and left to go fishing (again) with his dad and didn’t come home til 10 am… but now he’s been up all night  and I thought he was going to want to go to bed… which honestly I would have been mildly irritated but I could have handled the kids for a bit and taken a nap with him but THEN he decided not to nap he was going to go work in the yard. Now we were supposed to be going to my mom’s that night for dinner and fireworks since it was the 4th. J doesn’t like to go to mom’s so it was going to be stressful as it was but now he’s going to be grouchy and want to hurry home because he had no sleep…so by this time I’m getting pretty wound up….

I even yelled at him not to go out and spend all day working and then come in and lay down around 4 when we were leaving by 5 ….but then I got to thinking if I told him 5 he’d make us late because he didn’t want to go so I amended and told him we needed to leave by 3:30 . He swore he wouldn’t… but of course he did just that!!!!! he waited til 3 o’clock to come in and lay down and didn’t want to get up… words cannot even describe how bad things were getting…. It seriously looked like pre cdd days…. around lunch time I started in , about lunch and feeding the kids so he went to the store… now all I really wanted was some chilli for the hotdogs and buns we had but I was sooo mad I didn’t even want to talk to him so I refused to tell him …just told him to get something so of course he goes and gets lunch meat but no bread, cheese or mayo … seriously???? anyway… I was pretty unreasonable. I was so angry I actually threw the food in the back of the fridge and ate chips….

which was bad in itself because often I’ll not eat for hours and hours and my blood sugar will start to drop and I’ll get tired and cranky and then J has to listen to it and it drives him crazy so he keeps check on how often I”ve ate… for all of our sanity…LOL….. but I was being bratty..

This is classically me, but not me any more…. I don’t usually act out like this, I talked to my cdd girlfriends , I tried everything I knew to try to come down … but as soon as I’d see him again all that anger would well back up and I couldn’t manage to get it back under control

When he was getting ready to go he actually moved to pick up the paddle but I saw his intent and ran from the room (really not smart) J pretty much refuses to chase me down and wrestle me to spank so he let me dig that hole too…. by the time we left we had “words” all the way to mom’s house … which if I’m being honest I was just trying to bait him into a fight with me because I was feeling guilty and if I could get him to stoop to my level then we’re both just as guilty as the other (kudos to J for being above that behavior even if he couldn’t see what I was trying to do ) so of course I was angry by the time we got there.

Things are already strained between him and my family … and I really try not to get in that and facilitate it but I really didn’t care this night. We’ve never had this conversation about my behavior being different when I’m with my family but I do see where it could be true… I try not to be different but I’m comfortable with them and they know me as well as J and well they’re family…… I was oblivious to the couple of warnings he tried to give me but when we got in the car to head out to the fireworks he gave me the “death glare” and said he was sick and tired of me “beating my chest” and that he hoped I knew that I was in for “the beating of a lifetime” ….. ugh…

I don’t know what I thought was going to happen when I acted out and tempted him all day and ran from  him and then put the icing on the cake…. J’s gotten much better at his consistency and follow through …in case I doubted I now know better.

It was late when we left and all the way home I listened to him lecture me on my behavior , using phrases like “every time ” and “you always” . It was a bit of an eye opener because like I said we’d never had this conversation and I really didnt’ know he felt this way… we haven’t talked about it yet but we’ll have too. Since it was so late the punishment had to wait til the next night…

lets just say it wasn’t pleasant. I think I got a round or two of almost every implement we own (which is just about 5-6) I felt the belt the hardest I’ve ever felt and it left a few welts and a couple of bruises from the paddles. I was definitely sitting carefully for a couple of days…. but I do love the fact that once it’s over, It’s over…. I wrote him a letter and we’ve had some talks and he even took me out on thursday … so over all even though I was seriously punished , things are better and our focus is back where it should be.