So it seems like my worst fears are coming around and I was fighting it hard but I can’t live like we were before so something needs to change.
These last couple weeks have been mentally, physically, and emotionally exhausting for me. And somehow I can’t talk to J about it …… I feel like we’re on different planets. I know it’s probably hormones and half or more just me but it’s taxing when you feel alone.
To begin with our schedules have been swamped between seeing the Dr. nearly weekly, my mom’s 50th b day party, the 2 oldest kids’ birthdays coming up , family conference at church, and on and on it goes. I haven’t had much time to myself to enjoy because I’m so tired by the time everything else gets done that I have to sleep to try and catch up. I actually went to bed at 8:45 the other night!!!!
Which presents a problem for J and I because we’re normally very intimate A LOT… he’s just like that… but I swear i’ve been so tired that I had to force myself to humor him twice in the last two weeks and I couldn’t even get happy about that!!! which makes me want to cry because I was so horrid before…. we would go weeks without touching each other and I never wanted to go back to that. It goes a long way to keeping you “connected” and It really does keep me in good spirits and without that I’ve been miserable and he’s miserable!!!!
And our maintenance night usually goes a long way to keeping us connected but he’s been slack in that too so no time, no intimacy, no maintenance = no connection!!!!!
I swear I’ve sprouted horns and my skin is turning green and I’m growing a mole on my nose (for effect) and it’s official I’m turning into a witch!!!! On Sunday I slipped back into my pre CDD disposition and when J ordered me to make him lunch It rubbed me wrong and I bucked and refused (primarily because he ordered me to and didn’t ask me to ) and when he threatened me with a deadline and a spanking I waited til he went out to take the trash out and locked him out in the yard. Now normally I would never do something like this… its been trained out of me, but I don’t know what happened my hormones took over or what and normally J wouldn’t’ put up with it either. I knew I couldn’t’ t leave him out there long but I didn’t want to make his salad and I didn’t want a spanking either so I grabbed a tiny little fruit bowl and piled salad mix into it til it was piling over on the counter and called it done. when I let him in , I let him know I had “made” his salad and was going to lay down(i.e. leave me alone) I fully expected him to come down with the belt swinging but …… nothing… just silence and seething. A similar incident followed that evening …. and more silence
Now we’re talking but we’re just not talking about the important stuff looming between us….
So last night he comes home grouchy as ever and I just wasn’t in the mood… to be submissive, to listen to it again, to even care about my hiney… so I suppose that part was my fault but he started in on the kids about something that they had done that inconvenienced him… which honestly if I hadn’t already gotten all over them for it I wouldn’t have cared but I had and they hadn’t intentionally done wrong and so forth so yep I jumped right in the middle of it to save my chitin’s from having to listen to daddy roar. needless to say , it wasn’t appreciated.
Now here’s the rub, it was maintenance night and even though he’s been letting things go and skipping when he wants all the sudden cause he’s upset , he wants to do maintenance. I call foul!!!! He says it’s not my choice I have to submit. whatever I dropped it with a few more comments counting on the fact he’ll forget unfortunately he doesn’t…. he gets the kids to bed , comes down, locks the door, and gets the belt… now I’m mad!!! I tried refusing, tried begging him to wait til he wasn’t mad , tried accusing him… I got him so roweled up that we had one of those funny moments where his face is red, he’s hollering as loud as he can and all the sudden out comes, “I’M NOT MAD!!!!” we couldn’t't help but laugh even in the face of the situation but he calmed himself down said it was my fault for arguing , PUT me in position and went to town on my hiney. Now I’m even more mad…I’m dry sobbing cause I’m so furious I cant cry. I wont cry…. When he’s through I just want to crawl away and be by myself , but he wont let me. He wants to be intimate. I sobbed I didn’t want to but he gently refused to let me refuse and had his way with things . Whatever I can humor him I have before and I can again . That part doesn’t bother me but here’s what does. ….. I’m sore and I’m angry and nothings been resolved so what was the point of spanking me if it’s just going to serve to remind me how angry I am.
In some respects I’m still dealing with guilt over sunday’s incidents because I’m sure there are some who would say I was bratting but no matter what they say I truly did not mean to act that way and I’m still in shock and horror that I have slipped that far back into my old patterns, if even just for a moment. And then there was the 2 incidents where I actually slipped and swore in front of J this week… something I thought I would never do (knowing how he feels about it)
and then there’s the anger…. honestly not all of it is from J. This week I found out my estranged father , has married AGAIN. And not only that to a girl who’s not much older than me and my siblings….. and she has 3 boys , young boys… I know it’s been 28 yrs. and I also know that it happens to tons of other children but just because we’ve become desensitized to the idea of divorce and children growing up without a father doesn’t actually change the fact of how much it hurts, and how much it affects them for the rest of their lives. I wish it weren’t true. I wish that I could say I really didn’t care what my dad does to this day, but that would be a lie because even as an adult , who’s been repeatedly hurt and abandoned by the ones she loves , I still care about them the most. My father has a habit of dancing in and out of our lives at his will… maybe just to check on us and see how things are going….. maybe as a way to assuage his guilt. Whatever the case I’ve dealt with it for the last 28 yrs but I do not want my children having to deal with it. What I really want is him to decide to be a better grandpa than he was a dad. He’d be a great grandpa…. and he wouldn’t even have to try too hard . I feel my children are being robbed that opportunity. Regardless of what I do want and do not want from my dad, the fact that he can choose to raise someone else’s 3 children when he has 3 children of his own who at one point not only needed him but loved like he was the only man on earth twists the knife he inserted in my heart those 28 yrs ago. There were times in my life when I felt like that proverbial knife was very real and that other children could see me walking about with a gaping hole in my heart and a knife protruding from the wound. I saw my very existence as grotesque because I wasn’t a whole person. . Now maturity has allowed me to see the absurdity of it and love heals many things and these days I can function without ever thinking of the knife , but every once in awhile when the man with Happy toes comes dancing circles around me and wants what I can’t let him have then there’s a disruption and sometimes pain or fear or anger come to the surface and unfortunately my darling J has been the target of some of these untoward emotions.
So it’s all very complicated… I’m sure we’ll work things out. We’re committed to working things out. It’s just a rough patch and it’s not the first one and probably wont be the last
on a side note : I am very pleased that I keep having this reoccurring responsibility that has been overwhelming me to the point where I’m not functioning well. It’s the way I always dreamed things to be but then it’s just not working for me. I begged J last year to take it off me and he said no but the thought of going another year just made me want to cry so I talked to him about it again recently and he made a decision to change things for me. I feel such a weight lifted and I’m so glad . He didn’t even tell me of his decision he just started putting things in motion to get it taken care of and I’m eternally grateful. It does make me feel that no matter what’s going on between us he is still looking out for the greater good of our family.
Also today , he said he wants to take me on a date…. which makes me smile and blush with pleasure….. he knows there’s a problem and he’s “trying” to fix it. So he’s not just a big meanie all the time.
And please, I know there will probably be someone who (rather they say it or not) will label me as “having daddy issues” please don’t. I hesitated to even share that little bit because I know how things can get. I was raised without a father… I have no idea what it is to have one. My husband is not my father and acts nothing like the limited part of who I knew my father to be. My predisposition to be in a CDD relationship came from the Biblical teaching of submission and the type of religion my mother chose to raise us in. ’nuff said