These Last Couple Weeks

Have been exhausting but well worth the effort.

First Halloween was great. I got all our costumes done on time. We did a theme and even the kids grandma and grandpa participated. They looked amazing and it was blast. We won a contest!!!! That seriously consumed my time for a couple of weeks prepping everything.


That weekend we made the switch to our new church. At the time I was nervous and a little scared. Ever since we had announced we were leaving, some people, close friends had given us the cold shoulder. Once we left, we had better like it because it felt like we’d never be back. …..which made me sad…all of our married life and longer for J had been spent at this church. We worked with these friends loved them so it hurt, but thankfully all that washed away after one service at the new.  You never imagine yourself to be happier somewhere than where you are till you get there. Now I see bright sunshine and rainbows. Our future here looks bright and that’s exciting!!! We joined last week our second Sunday there but we’re so confident it is where God had just waiting for us.


This week has been busy just adjusting our schedule to theirs and jumping in with two feet so we’ve already got mission’s things and thanksgiving going on…..but happily so!


As far as Dd in the home, I’m struggling at the moment. It’s weird and I don’t know how to get past it. I feel off like J is unhappy,though he says he’s not. I’m not unhappy, just unsettled. I feel like there is more bickering going on than normal and it’s not healthy. My natural instinct is to fix it and not let it get any worse. I hate discord! My birthday is coming up so maybe it will be a good time for us to reconnect. I’m always happy about my birthday….!!!!


I couldn’t resist I talked to him before I posted and I’m hopeful that well be getting on the right track. We’re so happy together about the new church that I’m smiling a lot…so things are going to be looking better where me and him are concerned

he was determined

….I wrote this post three other day and it disappeared into cyber space. I’m sure this won’t be exactly like the first , but then who will know lol.

I was owed a punishment and honestly I was nervous and secretly hoping he’d forget. We dressed for bed, not a word, played on media, turned out the lights, not a word.chit chatted….then all the sudden he said “I know what I forgot….on went the light, back went the covers, out came the paddle, and over I went…

It was pretty intense. I say softly for several days. A couple times near the end he asked if I’d had enough.the first couple times I said yes sir(i had been thoroughly paddled really) but he just kept on going, so the third time I was honest and said I didn’t know what he wanted me to say because he was going to do what he wanted anyway….I’m not sure how smart it was but I only got a few more and he stopped, much to my relief.

Before he started he tricked me…he says he didn’t, that I shouldn’t assume things. I used to be terrified of the belt, but J has worked me out of that and now to be honest the belt leaves marks more easily and I feel it longer but in the moment I’m much more relaxed and able to accept it better than I ever have the paddle. To me, the paddle stings and hurts much more in the moment but fades quickly. I’ve come to detest the paddle. J knows this. So he held I’ll the small otk paddle and asked if I wanted that. I whimpered no(thinking he’d get the belt) . He didn’t get the belt, instead he pulled out the large school paddle that he’d used black duct tape on….then I was whimpering and begging but he was determined to do it his way… time I’m getting my choices before I answer!!!

It’s been a busy week so much going on.I’m currently making the whole family costumes for Halloween….fun fun. I have two more list I need to write down but the time is getting late….later

it’s gonna happen

It’s been forever since I’ve been punished. I get occasional maintenance spanking to keep me in check but I’ve gotten better at ttwd.


Yesterday I was on the war path. In retrospect it was silly. He took my tomato that I had told him I intended to eat. I had saved it.I was hungry and anticipating my egg and tomato sandwich. I cooked my eggs ,toasted my bread, and….no tomato. In fact I had skipped breakfast and saved it for lunch so not only was I very hungry but I was cranky too.


I knew I shouldn’t have called right then.I tried not too. Truly I did.I had picked up the phone to call and out it down thinking I was going to chill. Normally this wouldn’t be a big deal but I’ve currently been stuck at home with two children and no vehicle so I just can’t run out and get whatever I want when I want and more often then not I end up eating child food. In part because I dislike cooking more than one meal and my little girls love Mac’n Cheese and hot dogs (ugh) but I also try not to buy me special food the kids can’t have, so yep I was mad. I ate the eggs and say down to watch tv but before I knew it I was calling which I still was ok. It wasn’t until I got done talking where I ran into trouble….apparently he wasn’t done….click. yep right there sealed the deal. A moment if insanity over a dumb tomato and now my tush is going to look like a tomato!!! I’m sure it didn’t help that he called several more times but I refused to answer. The voice mail said ” ok, you’ve made your decision, and now I’m going to have to make mine” click. I think I’m going to learn to hate that click of the phone line going dead. It brings impending doom.


So yes it’s going to happen I’m going to face punishment. Last night my stomach had butterflies from nerves but our daughter fell asleep in our room and delayed his plans. I was thanking God but now I have to wait. Ugh again!

It’s been forever

Since I’ve blogged….that’s sad! I want to update but I can’t possibly tell you everything that has happened since I wrote last. I’ll just start with telling you how we all are. J and I are in a great place. We still practice cdd and I no longer feel like a newbie. It’s been a hair over six years and it’s working for us. We had some big changes last year, namely we moved an hr closer to his work. Which in some ways doesn’t seem like a big deal but it’s further away from my family and away from all our friends and no longer in the same town as our church and his family so it’s a big deal. The town is tiny.Like population 700 tiny….but I’m happy. We needed the space and the property and the peace of a small town. The children are 8,5,3(almost 4),& and our little minion is almost 2…..hard to believe. She’s such a joyful child and very bright for her age. She brings us no end of smiles. It’s different only having 2 here at home but I like it. I always dreamed I would home school and I think some  would have me feel guilty that I couldn’t hack it but the schools here are excellent and I’m satisfied. Our first girl started kindergarten this year and she’s loving it!!!! I am still in awe that she was that 2.25 lb baby that arrived much too early. Bubby played football this year. It was fun year. He did well for his first time. He looked so handsome in his uniform. I’m proud of him.

So that’s a general update. I know this is primarily a cdd blog so I’ll tell a little more in detail about what life is like for J and I right now. I feel like this is the first time in almost ten years of marriage (that’s right in April we’ll celebrate ten years.that hardly seems real…feels like yesterday!) Anyway…the first time we seem normal…lol. I mean in terms of what other families do. We live so much closer to his work that he’s home much more, so we see each other more. Also we’re so far away from church, family, &friends that we’re unable to just be gone doing things so J goes to work while I’m home with the kids. The older two go to school. I cook,I clean, I garden,I craft do diy projects,etc… He comes home we do dinner home work, yard work just normal stuff….and I love it!!! I feel like we’re finally co parenting instead of me raising the kids. I don’t get in trouble as much as I used to. Life is peaceful and I’m not pregnant and there isn’t as much to interfere with “us”. There is the occasional maintenance spanking just to keep me in check. He’s still the leader of our home and family and I love him and I’m dedicated to him and the kids. I’m seriously going to try to keep this updated at least once a week while I have some time on my hands. I miss blogging and keeping up on everyone in blog land.

Just a Rough Patch

So it seems like my worst fears are coming around and I was fighting it hard but I can’t live like we were before so something needs to change.

These last couple weeks have been mentally, physically, and emotionally exhausting for me.  And somehow I can’t talk to J about it ……  I feel like we’re on different planets.  I know it’s probably hormones and half or more just me  but it’s taxing when you feel alone.

To begin with our schedules have been swamped between seeing the Dr. nearly weekly, my mom’s 50th b day party, the 2 oldest kids’ birthdays coming up , family conference at church, and on and on it goes. I haven’t had much time to myself to enjoy because I’m so tired by the time everything else gets done that I have to sleep to try and catch up. I actually went to bed at 8:45 the other night!!!!

Which presents a problem for J and I because we’re normally very intimate  A LOT… he’s just like that… but I swear i’ve been so tired that I had to force myself to humor him twice in the last two weeks and I couldn’t even get happy about that!!!  which makes me want to cry because I was so horrid before…. we would go weeks without touching each other and I never wanted to go back to that. It goes a long way to keeping you “connected” and It really does keep me in good spirits and without that  I’ve been miserable and he’s miserable!!!!

And our maintenance night usually goes a long way to keeping us connected but he’s been slack in that too so no time, no intimacy, no maintenance = no connection!!!!!

I swear I’ve sprouted horns and my skin is turning green and I’m growing a mole on my nose (for effect) and it’s official I’m turning into a witch!!!!  On Sunday I slipped back into my pre CDD  disposition and when J ordered me to make him lunch It rubbed me wrong and I bucked and refused (primarily because he ordered me to and didn’t ask me to )  and when he threatened me with a deadline and a spanking I waited til he went out to take the trash out and locked him out in the yard. Now normally I would never do something like this… its been trained out of me, but I don’t know what happened my hormones took over or what and normally J wouldn’t’ put up with it either. I knew I couldn’t’ t leave him out there long but I didn’t want to make his salad and I didn’t want a spanking either so I grabbed a tiny little fruit bowl and piled salad mix into it til it was piling over on the counter and called it done. when I let him in , I let him know I had “made” his salad and was going to lay down(i.e. leave me alone)  I fully expected him to come down with the belt swinging but …… nothing… just silence and seething. A similar incident followed that evening …. and more silence

Now we’re talking but we’re just not talking about the important stuff looming between us….

So last night he comes home grouchy as ever and I just wasn’t in the mood… to be submissive, to listen to it again, to even care about my hiney… so I suppose that part was my fault but he started in on the kids about something that they had done that inconvenienced him… which honestly if I hadn’t already gotten all over them for it I wouldn’t have cared but I had and they hadn’t intentionally done wrong and so forth so yep I jumped right in the middle of it to save my chitin’s from having to listen to daddy roar.  needless to say , it wasn’t appreciated.

Now here’s the rub, it was maintenance night and even though he’s been letting things go and skipping when he wants all the sudden cause he’s upset , he wants to do maintenance. I call foul!!!! He says it’s not my choice I have to submit. whatever I dropped it with a few more comments counting on the fact he’ll forget  unfortunately he doesn’t…. he gets the kids to bed , comes down, locks the door, and gets the belt… now I’m mad!!! I tried refusing, tried begging him to wait til he wasn’t mad , tried accusing him… I got him so roweled up that we had one of those funny moments where his face is red, he’s hollering as loud as he can and all the sudden out comes, “I’M NOT MAD!!!!”   we couldn’t’t help but laugh even in the face of the situation but he calmed himself down said it was my fault for arguing , PUT me in position and went to town on my hiney. Now I’m even more mad…I’m dry sobbing  cause I’m so furious I cant cry.  I wont cry…. When he’s through I just want to crawl away and be by myself , but he wont let me. He wants to be intimate. I sobbed I didn’t want to but he gently refused to let me refuse and had his way with things . Whatever I can humor him I have before and I can again . That part doesn’t bother me but here’s what does. ….. I’m sore and I’m angry and nothings been resolved so what was the point of spanking me if it’s just going to serve to remind me how angry I am.

In some respects I’m still dealing with guilt over sunday’s incidents because I’m sure there are some who would say I was bratting but no matter what they say I truly did not mean to act that way and I’m still in shock and horror that I have slipped that far back into my old patterns, if even just for a moment.  And then there was the 2 incidents where I actually slipped and swore in front of J this week… something I thought I would never do (knowing how he feels about it)

and then there’s the anger…. honestly not all of it is from J. This week I found out my estranged father , has married AGAIN. And not only that to a girl who’s not much older than me and my siblings….. and she has 3 boys , young boys…  I know it’s been 28 yrs. and I also know that it happens to tons of other children but just because we’ve become desensitized  to the idea of divorce and children growing up without a father doesn’t actually change the fact of how much it hurts, and how much it affects them for the rest of their lives. I wish it weren’t true. I wish that I could say I really didn’t care what my dad does to this day, but that would be a lie because even as an adult , who’s been repeatedly hurt and abandoned by the ones she loves , I still care about them the most. My father has a habit of dancing in and out of our lives at his will… maybe just to check on us and see how things are going….. maybe as a way to assuage his guilt. Whatever the case I’ve dealt with it for the last 28 yrs but I do not want my children having to deal with it. What I really want is him to decide to be a better grandpa than he was a dad. He’d be a great grandpa…. and he wouldn’t even have to try too hard . I feel my children are being robbed that opportunity. Regardless of what I do want and do not want from my dad, the fact that he can choose to raise someone else’s 3 children when he has 3 children of his own who at one point not only needed him but loved like  he was the only man on earth twists the knife he inserted in my heart those 28 yrs ago.  There were times in my life when I felt like that proverbial knife was very real and that other children could see me walking about with a gaping hole in my heart and a knife protruding from the wound. I  saw my very existence as grotesque because I wasn’t a whole person. . Now maturity has allowed me to see the absurdity of it and love heals many things and these days I can function without ever thinking of the knife , but every once in awhile when the man with Happy toes comes dancing circles around me and wants what I can’t let him have then there’s a disruption and sometimes pain or fear or anger come to the surface and unfortunately my darling J has been the target of some of these untoward emotions.

So it’s all very complicated… I’m sure we’ll work things out. We’re committed to working things out.  It’s just a rough patch and it’s not the first one and probably wont be the last

on a side note : I am very pleased that I keep having this reoccurring responsibility that has been overwhelming me to the point where I’m not functioning well. It’s the way I always dreamed things to be but then it’s just not working for me. I begged J last year to take it off me and he said no but the thought of going another year just made me want to cry  so I talked to him about it again recently and he made a decision to change things for me. I feel such a weight lifted and I’m so glad . He didn’t even tell me of his decision he just started putting things in motion  to get it taken care of and I’m eternally grateful. It does make me feel that no matter what’s going on between us he is still looking out for the greater good of our family.

Also today , he said he wants to take me on a date…. which makes me smile and blush with pleasure….. he knows there’s a problem and he’s “trying” to fix it. So he’s not just a big meanie all the time.

And please, I know there will probably be someone who (rather they say it or not) will label me as “having daddy issues”  please don’t. I hesitated to even share that little bit because I know how things can get. I was raised without a father… I have no idea what it is to have one.   My husband is not my father and acts nothing like the limited part of who I knew my father to be. My predisposition to be in a CDD relationship came from the Biblical teaching of submission and the type of religion my mother chose to raise us in.   ’nuff said

Afraid of the Changes to Come and Those That Have Already Arrived

Well,  I’ve not wanted to post. I’ve been avoiding it like the plague….. Why? you ask… it’s just an avoidance tactic that doesn’t really work but it does delay the inevitable.  I have not wanted to post my announcement because I’m not sure what it will mean for our future and that scares me.

I detest change!!! J and I had become blissfully happy settled into a routine with DD and everything. Our sex life was wonderful . Our family life was perfect. Our spiritual life was growing and ever evolving. Last year has been the first time in our 7 yrs. of marriage (which we just had our anniversary on monday but we’ll be celebrating this weekend) that I have not been pregnant, or just lost a baby, or just had a baby. It gave us time to be ourselves and grow as a couple and just love and enjoy each other.  Things were perfect….

and then…. I missed my period . I was scared to even take a test and for the first day fear gripped my heart. I couldn’t tell J ! What would he say? I broke down in tears and he knew… I was pregnant. We were going to have another child. Now this is sounding kind of sad  and at the time I felt it was. Big changes were coming and just when I was settled and happy.  I was in despair for a few days. We made the dr. apt and I went in has an ultra sound , everything looked good. It was a couple of days after that , I noticed a peaceful happiness start to come and maybe even a little bit of excitement.

I couldn’t stop thinking of a newborn suckling at my breast , the sweet smell of baby’s breath and soft new baby skin and the way their little toes were going to curl and would it be a boy who daddy and big brother so long for or another little princess to float around the house.  Yes baby fever had definitely struck and I was happy. I had already started to gain some weight which had previously been unexplained but I now know my inability to lose those extra 5 lbs.  Being my 4th child , I’ve popped out like a balloon and look about 4 months pregnant even though I’m only 9 1/2 weeks along but it’s ok. It gives big brother something to talk to and rub on and tickle and to comment every once in a while “that the baby’s crying in my belly” or “boy, mom you’re sure getting a big belly”

I’ve got to admit that it puts a little fear into me if I’ll be able to lose the weight like I did the last one and will J still find me as attractive. If I get a really big belly , how will it affect our sex life or the spankings…. Things in the past were always the way I wanted them  but I’ve given so much over to J this year that I don’t want to go back and I’m scared I will not be able to keep up with his demands.

Already the morning sickness has began to affect my routine. It usually sets in around 3-4 pm and I’m useless for the rest of the evening. the house always feels messy to me and I’ve been terrible and providing meals for him.  I feel like I deserved to be spanked soundly and ordered back to my normal self …. it would make me feel secure but J is being patient  and kind. Being the Loving man that he is and it scares me.

I’ve slowly been forcing myself to try to get back on top of things on my own and all is not lost. I got rather boastful and sneaky last week thinking I had gotten by scott free with maintenance and he put me in my place and proved I had gotten away with nothing.  But then when he let me get by this week , I’m feeling a bit insecure and bratty again.

I now take much harder spankings than I ever have before and I wonder sometimes how it would affect the pregnancy??  I just didn’t want anything to change!!!!! I know I can say it kicking and screaming but rather I like it or not changes have and are coming so I’m trying to get happy , not just about the baby (no problems there anymore) but about the changes too. Nothing like embracing right?

I’m sure we’ll make it through. We always have before, and we are terribly excited about a new baby in our house. I just have a hard time adjusting to change.  So that’s where I am… In desperate need of a spanking just to prove to me it’s going to happen, with a very excited family, a growing belly, and outrageous hormones , just trying to embrace the changes life is bringing on the horizons